Lawyers to serve Prince Andrew papers, by hiding them on teenage girl

Frustrated by his attempts to avoid their couriers, a US law firm has decided the best way to lure Prince Andrew is to use bait – specifically 25% off at Pizza Express. They have also considered dressing the papers up as a young blonde or writing them in braille on the buttocks of a lingerie model.

Ninth-in-line to the throne, Prince Andrew is first-in-line to get sued in New York. Explained one lawyer: ‘We considered turning the papers into an edible bra for a Playboy model – but we hear he prefers pizza’.

The Prince lists his titles as KG, GCVO, CD, ADC but the court just lists him as AWOL. They may have to try Habeas Corpus, which literally means ‘you shall have the body’ – which allegedly is what got the Prince into trouble in the first place.

Things Prince Andrew is sweatier than

An elephant seal in a Turkish bath

A tin of Spam in an airing cupboard

Sir Philip Green at the BHS social club

A worm in a willywarmer

A bomb disposal expert with the hiccups

A ladybird in a field of venus flytraps

A tethered goat in Jurassic Park

A hedgehog in closet full of balloons

Boris Johnson on father's day

A zebra on a leopard crossing

A pervert in a bin full of tits

An ewok on Tatooine

A caber-tosser's jock strap

A morning after kebab

Chris Grayling on Mastermind.

A bomb disposal officer faced with a choice between cutting a green or a blue wire.

Boris Johnson surrendering his laptop for an Internet search history check

A wonky whelk at a woke Woking wake

A sausage on a sultry day

SteveB, Dagular, Chipchase, camz, Sinnick, Joanne Starkie

Image: Pixabay/Hans

Did Prince Andrew falsify Pizza Express receipt to secure interview with BBC?

Following the recent controversy over Martin Bashir’s infamous interview with Diana, Princess of Wales, the BBC have decided to hit back by claiming they were duped into agreeing to air the Prince Andrew interview after being provided with what they now believe to be a forged receipt for two Sloppy Giuseppes and a round of diet cokes, supposedly from a Pizza Express in Woking.

In response to his alleged part in the Epstein scandal, when Prince Andrew supplied Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis with an alibi that was so breathtakingly ludicrous that it couldn’t possibly be made up, except that it almost certainly was, they refused to broadcast it unless the now relegated royal produced some sort of evidence, according to a source at the BBC.

It is reported that Prince Andrew immediately replied, ‘No sweat.’ and promptly pulled what he claimed to be a Pizza Express receipt from his pocket. Whilst it was taken at face value at the time by BBC employees acting in good faith, it is now being re-examined by experts. Results thus far are inconclusive as the receipt has reportedly been damaged by what appears to be profuse perspiration. The inquiry continues.