Next, unwanted children.
However, neither are likely to be substantial enough to satisfy hungry predators. Even under-nourished rough sleepers might not be very nutritious.
But the problem of grossly overcrowded prisons suggests another possibility. Big, burly prisoners might earn a return on the cost of feeding them, and the particularly violent ones might even be able to bring in some money, providing entertainment for spectators at feeding time.
The Government says that prisoners will replace immigrants in providing social care.
Visas for foreign care workers are being scrapped. The work will instead be done by low risk prisoners.
The Government says that this is a win-win. The scheme frees up prison places, trains convicts to help them get work on release, and reduces costs for social care providers who will not have to pay the prisoners for their work.
But charities supporting the elderly are worried about the scheme. They believe that elderly people will learn bad habits from their carers, and may end up running romance scams, drug rings or illegal immigration schemes. Old people in care may have no compunction in turning to crime. If they have sold their homes to pay for care, then they may turn to crime to get revenge.
Colin Dodd, aged 971/2, is disappointed. 'Where are the robots? We've been promised robots for ages but I reckon they are too expensive, don't work and have all been swiped by the rich.
'I've got nothing against criminals - after all, someone has to run the country. And I've got nothing against healthcare workers . They are all very badly paid, apart from the ones who work for agencies. Them lot are coining it in - premium rates, triple shifts, overtime, the lot.
'I reckon a robot would be more effective, more patient and better spoken. If possible, I'd like to be looked after by Buzz Lightyear. He'd be able to find my teeth, remember than I'm quite deaf, and help me to achieve my dream of learning to fly.'
Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being incarcerated, evidence has emerged of her returning to her pimping habits faster than Jeffrey Epstein removing a troublesome retainer from the downturned mouth of a dead-eyed thirteen-year-old.
Within hours of R Kelly beginning his own 30-year sentence trapped in the custodial closet, Miss Maxwell has been charged with grooming underage girls and trafficking them through to the “I believe I can fly in the face of common decency” singer’s cell, allegedly for a little bump ’n’ grind.
'It’s not her fault she can’t resist powerful, charismatic singers,' bleated a close associate and fellow pension-fund botherer, obstinately deaf to the rest of the world clearly not giving a sh!t. 'It started with a Chuck Berry record. Then she discovered Marvin Gaye, and soon it was Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Ted Nugent - I mean, you can’t fault their morals, but it became an addiction.'
Believed to have fallen under the spell of Kelly, whose sickening offences are matched only by his horrific crimes against music, the disgraced heiress and defender of the sisterhood used a tunnel to smuggle the girls through to his cell, which she is accused of having scraped out in under 24 hours using only a Chanel mascara wand and the stick she’s suspected of having up her ass for the last 60 years.
'The single mindedness with which she dug through to Kelly’s cell is terrifying, but you’ve got to admire the impressive work-rate,' said a prison guard. 'It could have remained undiscovered, but luckily she chose to cover the aperture with a lipstick-stained poster of Bill Wyman, which did raise something of a red flag.'
First published 1 July 2022
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