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In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme.


Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.'


Jerry Lafferty, not his real name, has a musical comedy act. He performs daily on The Royal Mile and hopes one day to perform in one of the venues. He told us that D wing is easily better than anywhere else that he's stayed during the Fringe.  'This place is secure, it has a curfew at 10.30pm so you can sleep without being disturbed, meals are at regular times, and it has an exercise yard. That's already better than most Airbnb's.  I do get teased a bit - my act is criminal, I have to lock the audience in, I've got a cell out show, etc. - but I don't mind. My colleagues are all sleeping on Waverley Station or in a van in the B&Q car park, so the joke's on them.'


Edinburgh prison is doing so well out of the scheme that it may be adopted more widely.  Shepton Mallet prison is quite handy for Glastonbury, Cheltenham prison could rent out cells during Gold Cup week, and Manchester prison could be used every Saturday for home games.



Image credit: perchance.org


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HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term.


Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells.


HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year.


Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan Police Award for being the cinchest person ever to catch.


Justice Secretary David Lammy has been made Head Scapegoat, so that the Prison Service has someone to take the blame for its constant foul-ups.


There will be no deportations at the end of term because the Home Office has been too disorganised to arrange the flights.


HMP Blunder starts its new term in January, or February, or whenever the cops manage to find everyone.


It will then be welcoming several new faces, thanks to Mr Lammy's cost-cutting court reforms. They'll be people sent to jail on the whim of a judge after a jury-less trial, or having had no trial at all.



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