Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists

The UK government excellence machine has churned out another win you should know about. Always delivering on everything all of the time, and sinews so strained haemorrhoids are popping out the bottom, this one could so easily have been lost in all of the other successes.

Downing Street spokesperson, Binki Pfeffel, announced, 'This is another great day and another great victory. We have completed our promise to deliver 40 new hospitals. We have done this by completing what was an incomplete promise at the time it was made of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists.

'And we have gone further. There are also 40 new hospitals signs. That's 40 brand new road signs pointing to where existing hospitals are. This is precisely what the Great British people deserve.

'But wait... there's more. We have also opened 40 news hospitals. Any news which shows symptoms of being bad for us will now automatically be quarantined in one of these marvellous news hospitals. It will undergo world-beating treatment, until it is declared good, healthy news, and allowed out in public.'

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Sunak suspect in death of satire case

Prime-minister, Rishi Sunak, is believed to be the prime-suspect in the brutal killing of satire.

'I'll miss satire", said a tear faced geek who spends far too long indoors. 'Obviously, I knew things were a bit dicey when Trump became president. But I never thought Rishi Sunak, of all people, would stoop this low - but obviously, he hasn't got so far to go.'

At the last statement, one of the 40 new hospitals released a statement that the body of satire had twitched.

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We stand with you! Zelensky promises more salad for UK

As Britain enters its 6th day of salad crisis, aid agencies have begun withdrawing from Yemen and Syria to focus on a winter salad relief effort. Refugees in Gaza have promised to have a whip-round. Meanwhile the UN has released funds for Polytunnels and airlifted several tons of fresh basil to frantic middle-class shoppers.

President Zelensky gave an emergency address to the Ukrainian parliament, vowing to supply the UK with more rocket. And in a surprise visit to the frontline, a Winston Churchill lookalike made a defiant speech beside a crate of turnips. She blamed the shortage on transgender wokism, unrealistic pay rises, and the war in Ukraine.

She told Newsbiscuit: ‘I love salad and make a point of smoking my five a day. I urge people to eat toenail clippings until this government is over.’

Russia has threatened to cut off supplies of tomatoes to the West and is placing its nuclear arsenal on a permanent war footing. NATO dismissed the action, insisting tomatoes are technically a fruit.

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