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Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists

The UK government excellence machine has churned out another win you should know about. Always delivering on everything all of the time, and sinews so strained haemorrhoids are popping out the bottom, this one could so easily have been lost in all of the other successes.

Downing Street spokesperson, Binki Pfeffel, announced, 'This is another great day and another great victory. We have completed our promise to deliver 40 new hospitals. We have done this by completing what was an incomplete promise at the time it was made of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists.

'And we have gone further. There are also 40 new hospitals signs. That's 40 brand new road signs pointing to where existing hospitals are. This is precisely what the Great British people deserve.

'But wait... there's more. We have also opened 40 news hospitals. Any news which shows symptoms of being bad for us will now automatically be quarantined in one of these marvellous news hospitals. It will undergo world-beating treatment, until it is declared good, healthy news, and allowed out in public.'

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