Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Government misses target of 40 new hospitals - by 41

A shamed Health Minister was forced to admit that they had mislaid one: 'Not only have we failed to provide any new services, it transpires that the Royal Hospital, Wolverhampton, has been replaced by a Primark.

'It's not that we've lost it, it's just not where we left it. We've looked in all the usual places and retraced our steps. Quite frankly, we're beginning to doubt there was a hospital at all.

'Possibly it was swallowed by a sink hole or stolen by teenagers? It seems to have disappeared just at the same time all the NHS funding we promised disappeared. It's very frustrating, if we can't find it, how are we meant to sell it off?'

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Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists

The UK government excellence machine has churned out another win you should know about. Always delivering on everything all of the time, and sinews so strained haemorrhoids are popping out the bottom, this one could so easily have been lost in all of the other successes.

Downing Street spokesperson, Binki Pfeffel, announced, 'This is another great day and another great victory. We have completed our promise to deliver 40 new hospitals. We have done this by completing what was an incomplete promise at the time it was made of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists.

'And we have gone further. There are also 40 new hospitals signs. That's 40 brand new road signs pointing to where existing hospitals are. This is precisely what the Great British people deserve.

'But wait... there's more. We have also opened 40 news hospitals. Any news which shows symptoms of being bad for us will now automatically be quarantined in one of these marvellous news hospitals. It will undergo world-beating treatment, until it is declared good, healthy news, and allowed out in public.'

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