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The Tory guide to saving water

Writer: apepper
apepper
Aug 18



1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools


2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.


3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.


4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.


5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.


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First published 18 Aug 2022


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Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity

Writer: Chipchase
Chipchase
May 8

In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.


Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'


It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.


Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.


'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.


'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'




First published 8 May 2022


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Boris: My Freedom Bus Pass will solve housing crisis too

Writer: ChrisF
ChrisF
May 4

Boris Johnson has confirmed that the Freedom Bus Pass in London will be used to solve the housing crisis in Britain overnight.


'Introduced by me when I was London Mayor, along with gold-paved streets and £350 million a week rebates from the EU, the Freedom Bus Pass has already provided millions of over-60s in London with a warm and comfortable way to pass their remaining years', trumpeted Johnson. 'This has allowed people like Elsie, who I had the pleasure of hearing about this morning, to avoid the indignity and embarrassment of freezing to death in their own homes due to huge energy price hikes which I won't do anything about.


'But now, I'm going a step further. All those that have been priced out of being a homeowner in the London housing market will now be entitled to a Freedom Bus Pass too, allowing them to make that first important step onto the property ladder....or at least a step on to the Number 186 bus (off peak only).


'From tomorrow, millions will be able to make their housing dreams a reality, as they unpack their worldly possessions on a urine-stained bus back seat whilst their own personal driver takes them around their new 'clockwise North Circular' route...er, sorry, I mean home... before returning to depot for his statutory 20 minute rest break'


Johnson is expected to announce further details of significant investment in new housing stock - thought to include 35 Routemaster style double decker buses, along with a few of the longer single storey bendy buses for those who prefer bungalow style accommodation.


Johnson himself is expected to try out the new bus-homes himself, to try and hide from any further car-crash interviews. www.newsbiscuit.com


First published 4 May 2022


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