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A whooping JK Rowling was allegedly seen orchestrating an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, searching for trans people to 'ask legitimate questions'. That came after a legal ruling on representation on public sector boards was celebrated by all the wrong people.


Rowling and Graham Linehan are said to be co-writing a buddy comedy where all the trans characters are either evil killers or suffer gruesome torture and recant their trans-ness before dying horribly - or both. Both Rowling and Linehan cited William Shakespeare as a writer who would never use characters who cross dress or change gender.


One anti-trans activist proposed trial-by-toilet for trans people. '100% of trans people either want to commit or have committed or are committing right now, sex crimes in public toilets. Now that is not true, but it might be, which is close enough. Why are you so in favour of sex crimes in public toilets?'


'We must put trans people on trial, by dunking them into a public toilet. If they drown, then they're innocent, but if they survive, then we can legally put them to death on JK Rowling's birthday.'


Another interrupted, frothing at the mouth. 'I blame Les Dawson and maybe Mrs Doubtfire. Is hunting with dogs still banned? Typical lefties! We'll just have to resort to some good old fashioned, common sense, mob justice – maybe throw in a cheeky little lynching here and there for variety. I just can't wait to smash what I don't understand.'



Image credit: Stable Diffusion



In an act of swift justice and unparalleled irony, the Met arrested teenage Quakers for the threat of eating hummus past its sell by date. A Metropolitan Officer explained: 'Our actions stopped a serious sexual assault and murder,' explaining, 'locking up the Quakers prevented us from committing these crimes.'


There are currently 173 officers under investigation for domestic abuse and another 457 for other criminal activity - leaving just 3 officers not designated as molesting sociopaths to police the rest of Greater London. By contrast, there are zero Quakers responsible for violent acts of terrorism, 'which is proof enough we should lock them all up'. said the Officer: 'They were charged with conspiracy to cause a public nuisance by trying to save lives and some bull$hit about love - which is soooooo gay.'


Armed with Tasers and erections, the Met stormed the Quaker Meeting House, after complaints by neighbours of the absence of a disturbance. The Home Secretary stated 'serious violence' had been avoided - and she insisted the Met must try harder next time.



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