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Zelensky demands own spin-off series


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Ukraine's leader is touring Europe, trying to pitch an idea for a script he has, called 'He lived happily ever after'. Unfortunately contractual obligations means he may have stay with the TV franchise - 'War, the grift that keeps going'.


Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin was upset to learn he would not be joining the new show. His agent explained: 'My client is to be written out in mysterious circumstances - probably in Salisbury. The studio was unable to meet his demands of his own masseuse and all of Crimea.'


Zelensky is said to be frustrated that as the break-out star of 'War', he will not be allowed to literally break out. Said one Producer of the military industrial complex: 'Oh, we have plans for War to run and run. And if you think 'Lost' had a sh$t ending...'



image from pixabay



'Stoppit!' Satan demands of Putin


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This morning, Vladimir Putin was presented with a Cease and Desist demand from the Prince of Darkness himself – Satan – following the Russian despot's increased threats of launching his new nuclear missiles, nicknamed “The Satan 2”.


‘I’m absolutely miffed,’ claimed the ruler of Hell. ‘For years – for millennia, really – I’ve been completely misunderstood and totally misrepresented.


‘I’m not a bad guy.’ He went on ‘I give people what they want. You want money, come to me. You want fame, glory, anything fun. If you want any of the stuff that puts a smile on your face, I’ll give it to you. All I ask in return is for your eternal soul, but what’s that compared to gold wallpaper or a swimming pool in your garden?


‘I’m the fun uncle! But now this bloke has started flashing around this great bloody rocket that could destroy the world, and he’s slapped my bloody name on it! I don’t need or want that sort of publicity – I certainly don’t want to be associated with the end of the world. I can’t rule it if it’s destroyed, can I?’


A spokesman for the Devil has stated that if the Russian President does not issue an apology to Mr Satan, they will sue him for defamation of character.

Nadhim Zahawi stubs toe, blames Putin


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Getting out of bed, Conservative Party Chairman Nadhim Zahawi stubbed his toe and immediately blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin. Zahawi also dropped his toast butter side down and complained that this was unfair, blaming Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

Later that morning Zahawi narrowly missed his bus and swearily blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin. Zahawi ordered a coffee, but the barista got his order wrong and Zahawi glumly blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.


When asked if nurses should be paid properly, Zahawi meant to say "Nurses are hugely qualified people, doing a vital, highly skilled, difficult and stressful job heroically during a major pandemic and cost of living crisis. We need more of them and they should be paid commensurately."


Instead, Zahawi suggested nurses join a VIP Lane for Tory backhanders. Then he blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.





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