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Homeless move to London to get looked after on the streets

Thousands of people have moved to London voluntarily over the last week, sleeping rough so that they can walk slowly past the Queen's coffin

. Londoners who were homeless before it was an act of royalist obsequiosity, have now also moved to the capital to get looked after.


Charity worker Karolina Krychowiak said 'All these nice people sleeping on the streets. What a relief that there's suddenly all these extra resources to cope with performative grief. We are assuming all this help will still be here after the funeral - so we can assist people with no homes as well as those with a nice cottage in the Cotswolds.'


Homeless man Ian Ingram said 'I've been homeless for a while. All those nice middle-class people sleeping on the streets, with Berghaus tents and thermos flasks. All the gear, no idea.'


Palace uncertain what to do about cash hidden in Queen's mattress




Buckingham Palace staff have discovered around £1bn stuffed in a mattress in the Queen's bedchamber. "We always knew she kept a few bob hidden away in there" a footman reported. "But we never knew it was this much. Now we have a dilemma, because it's all in paper notes, which cease to be legal tender at the end of September."


A spokesperson for the Treasury said: "Large amounts of cash is usually indicative of money laundering, which when it comes to light, normally involves vigorous investigation, but since the queen is dead, there seems very little point in pursuing the matter."


Queen’s funeral “to showcase her abiding veneration of Nora Batty”




Leaving detailed plans covering every aspect of her funeral, the Queen has bequeathed her delighted subjects one last surprise by commanding it comprise an elegiac homage to classic sitcom ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. The last monarch ever to sit on a horse sideways will also become the first to have their coffin laboriously shoved up the steps of Westminster Abbey sticking out of a rusty wheelbarrow at an angle described reverentially by David Dimbleby as ‘jaunty’.


Breaking with centuries of royal convention, the crown which traditionally adorns the royal casket has been ditched in favour of a pair of wrinkled stockings, which will end up being inexplicably donned by one of the aged/inebriated/incontinent pallbearers after a laboured ‘wardrobe malfunction’ skit involving oversized tweed trousers, bale string, and a RADA-trained ferret called Mr Pickles.


Watched by millions worldwide, the solemn service will close with the ceremonial skidding of the bathtub containing Her Majesty’s mortal remains into the royal vault beneath Windsor Castle, followed by a lovely spread of Mr Kipling mini Battenbergs and Camp coffee for the dozens of heads of state in bewildered attendance.


‘It shouldn’t really be a surprise,’ said a Palace spokesperson, carrying a bucket of ball bearings into St George’s Chapel. ‘As a lady of a certain generation, the Queen didn’t really take to any comedies written after 1978. We’re just glad we managed to talk her out of an Alf Garnet/Love Thy Neighbour interval double-act- let’s face it, the Duke of Edinburgh’s Black and White Minstrel memorial extravaganza remains pretty 'wake-up-clammy-in-the-dark-watches' unbeatable.’


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