Buckingham Palace staff have discovered around £1bn stuffed in a mattress in the Queen's bedchamber. "We always knew she kept a few bob hidden away in there" a footman reported. "But we never knew it was this much. Now we have a dilemma, because it's all in paper notes, which cease to be legal tender at the end of September."
A spokesperson for the Treasury said: "Large amounts of cash is usually indicative of money laundering, which when it comes to light, normally involves vigorous investigation, but since the queen is dead, there seems very little point in pursuing the matter."