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Queen’s funeral “to showcase her abiding veneration of Nora Batty”

Leaving detailed plans covering every aspect of her funeral, the Queen has bequeathed her delighted subjects one last surprise by commanding it comprise an elegiac homage to classic sitcom ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. The last monarch ever to sit on a horse sideways will also become the first to have their coffin laboriously shoved up the steps of Westminster Abbey sticking out of a rusty wheelbarrow at an angle described reverentially by David Dimbleby as ‘jaunty’.

Breaking with centuries of royal convention, the crown which traditionally adorns the royal casket has been ditched in favour of a pair of wrinkled stockings, which will end up being inexplicably donned by one of the aged/inebriated/incontinent pallbearers after a laboured ‘wardrobe malfunction’ skit involving oversized tweed trousers, bale string, and a RADA-trained ferret called Mr Pickles.

Watched by millions worldwide, the solemn service will close with the ceremonial skidding of the bathtub containing Her Majesty’s mortal remains into the royal vault beneath Windsor Castle, followed by a lovely spread of Mr Kipling mini Battenbergs and Camp coffee for the dozens of heads of state in bewildered attendance.

‘It shouldn’t really be a surprise,’ said a Palace spokesperson, carrying a bucket of ball bearings into St George’s Chapel. ‘As a lady of a certain generation, the Queen didn’t really take to any comedies written after 1978. We’re just glad we managed to talk her out of an Alf Garnet/Love Thy Neighbour interval double-act- let’s face it, the Duke of Edinburgh’s Black and White Minstrel memorial extravaganza remains pretty 'wake-up-clammy-in-the-dark-watches' unbeatable.’

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