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Government to tax social media posts




Insiders suggest that, in a shock move, the government will use the October budget to introduce a new tax on social media posts.


Although this may seem unusual, tax experts say governments have always taxed the things people desire or can’t do without.   Long ago, taxes were levied on salt and windows.   More recently, taxes have extended to gambling, aeroplane flights and sugary drinks.  In this context, social media is an obvious and easy way to raise more money.


Insiders suggest the tax could be levied per message, on a sliding scale.  Texts or WhatsApp message would be taxed at a penny a message, rising to two pence if you’ve used emojis and five pence if you’ve used numbers instead of letters – gr8 or l8r, for example.


Posting a photo would be taxed at 5p, affecting Snap and Insta.  Voice notes and videos would be taxed at 25p for short posts and up to £5 for video posts or voice messages that are interminably long.


The justification for the new taxes are three-fold.  Firstly, any reduction in the number of messages will cut the energy used backing up pointless and trivial messages.   Secondly, productivity should improve, as workers will spend less time at work on their phones, and might actually get something done.  Thirdly, they will raise a mega-shed load of money.  The Treasury believe that the tax take could be so big that they could abolish both income tax and VAT.


We’ll believe that when we see it.  Roll on October 30th.

£22bn blackhole caused by your Nan using the big light



Alexei Sayle once said: 'Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.' Well, in 2024, Keir Starmer believes that the UK's deficit is primarily down to nurses and teachers being paid too much. His tight fiscal restraints mean his £3bn a year to Ukraine will be paid for by all of us using thrift stores and making our own candles.


Oddly enough, tax dodging corporations and frivolous forever-wars are not a drain on the public purse, but your Nan making herself a hot water bottle, is. A Treasury aide said: 'We believe in trickle down corruption. All of those evil CEOs will eventually need to buy new socks, and the money from that can fund the NHS.'


'So please, cut back on non-essentials, like food. We could easily end the two-child benefit cap, if everyone learnt to cut their own hair and share bath water. Don't forget a Nan isn't just for Christmas, she is for all year round. Although, once we cut the winter fuel payments, she won't get to Christmas.'



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