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ISA limit to be cut to make them more affordable

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A spokesperson for Rachel Reeves has confirmed that the Chancellor wants to cut the amount of money that can be invested tax free in a cash ISA will be reduced from the current £20k per annum to about £5k.  The £20k limit will be maintained for those who want to invest (that is, lose) their money in a stocks and shares ISA.


Billy, 34, who rents a two bedroomed flat with his wife while they save for a deposit on a house is fuming.  'Every penny I can, I save.  I saved nearly three thousand pounds last year after paying for rent, council tax, food and travel.  I wanted to save twenty thousand this year and might have been on track as my wife has been buying bread from Aldi lately.


Alex also wants the right to save twenty thousand tax free every year, has had that aspiration for ten years now, has 'about fifty quid' in her ISA.  'It's about aiming for the top,' she said, ordering a latte. 'Oops, that's this month's savings shot,' she said.


Bill, 69, is relaxed about the change.  'I retired years ago, inherited my dad's place, pushed £20k a year into ISAs.  I've got a bloody fortune sheltered so why not speculate in stocks and shares?  It's not like my liver will outlive my savings,' he pointed out. 




Personal Independence to cease to exist


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The government is looking at modifying the benefits bill passing through Parliament following a backlash from over one hundred Labour MPs, with the Government relying on the opposition to have any chance of passing the bill.


The modification accepts that the current bill is unfair to those people currently in receipt of Personal Independence Payments, PIP, on the grounds that the payments exist to make them personally independent.  A government spokesman admitted that personal independence 'did sound like something you'd find in the Human Rights legislation.' 


The government agrees that to withdraw the payment from people who have undergone rigorous and often demeaning checks on their incapacities would be wrong, but maintain that by withdrawing the benefit for new claimants 'saves them the distress of undergoing demeaning and rigorous checks, which must be worth a few bob in anyone's money,' the spokesman suggested.  The 'few bob' apparently being the value of the current benefit.

Reeves promises everyone their own nuclear reactor

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Her priorities in the Spending Review should see monster profits for baliffs, undertakers and bombs. As she promised billions in subsidy to private nuclear firms, which is great news for any disabled person on benefits, who also owns a nuclear reactor.


She claimed that the economy was improving for everyone, provided they still had organs to sell. She said she would cut regulations that stifle growth, particularly the ones that made it criminal to steal. She insisted there would be extra funds for the NHS, which will see a great dividend when the private sector asset strips it to pay for a weekend in Las Vegas.


Defense spending was her key economic driver, with huge profits in artificial limbs, body bags and PTSD-themed Get Well Soon cards. Responding to her critics, who said her statement was full of lies, she boasted that it was the one area of the economy that had shown 100% growth!



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