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Oompa Loompas respond to old book debate with diss track



Oompa loompa doompety dest

We've got a thing to get off our chest

Oompa loompa doompety day

Though we are small, we've something to say


What do you get when you rewrite old books?

Twitter pile on and cynical looks

Causing a fuss over gender and sex

Wont change the meaning of those texts


Oompa loompa doompety dat

People go bald and are ugly and fat

If you're a writer, take this advice

Stories are best when they're not at all nice


You say that it's bad cos the story's unfair

Tweak the odd word, add a bit here and there

We have to abide by the critical folk

But you don't like it when they say you're 'woke'


Oompa loompa doompety dime

Cancelling's good when it's Amazon Prime

But implications are vast

When you try to censor the past


Stories reflect all the faults of their time

Stop us from thinking that things were are all fine

Didn't you spot when you made us all white

Loompas are less than half your height?


Oompa loompa doompety dune

Learn from the words of this cautionary tune

Cancel culture will go its way too

As the Oompa Loompas surely will do




Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.



Shock in Pontypandy as Fireman Sam’s ‘hero’ reputation goes up in smoke



The Welsh village of Pontypandy has been left reeling by the news that ‘hero next door’ Fireman Sam is actually a sexist, racist, bullying pr*ck.


Chief Fire Officer Boyce received complaints from female firefighters Ellie Phillips and Penny Morris, who said Sam frequently sends them inappropriate images of his ‘fireman’s hose’, and texts inviting them to polish his ‘big, red engine’. There have also been accusations of bullying from firefighter Elvis Cridlington, who said Sam regularly sh*ts in his helmet. Nurse Helen Flood reported that Sam often makes racist remarks towards her, and café owner Bella Lasagne said he's always taking the p*ss out of her Italian accent. Bella also stated that her real name is in fact Maria Conti, and ‘Bella Lasagne’ is actually an offensive nickname given to her by Sam.


Chief Fire Officer Boyce said, “The whole village is ablaze with talk of Fireman Sam’s incendiary behaviour, and the good reputation of Pontypandy’s Fire Service has been reduced to ashes. These allegations have sparked a major investigation, and as a result Sam’s career ambitions within the Fire Service will be extinguished. He won’t be climbing the ladder - he’ll be fired immediately, and I don’t care if he is put out about it. Hopefully losing his job will damp down his enthusiasm for behaving like a flaming w*nker, but I doubt it.”


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