RAF Fairford | NewsBiscuit

'Foreign actors' at RAF Fairford revealed as 'French mimes'

Oct 1

Five French mimes - lost on their way home from performing to single digit audiences at the Edinburgh Fringe - have been arrested near RAF Fairford in Gloucestershire. Police said they did not resist arrest, voluntarily placing themselves inside a glass case of emotion, whilst visibly sobbing into an impossibly long string of handkerchiefs knotted together.

Suspiciously however, the mimes have refused to speak to the police.

Donald Trump posted online that he had 'personally kung fu kicked the terrorists... so many terrorists', before alleging that 'Swindon is the home of jihad' and announcing that he would 'annihilate' it - a proposal with a surprisingly high level of support amongst local residents, who would welcome the sweet release of death.

Startled awake from a nap, Trump claimed he had blockaded the Bristol Channel - although it was unclear if this was a euphemism.

Image: PublicDomainPictures - Pixabay

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That RAF Fairford hotline message in full

Jeremynh

Sep 29

Hello, you have called the MOD Police hotline for reporting suspicious activities around RAF Fairford.

If answered, your call will activate an armed police response unit complete with marksmen, sniffer dogs, bomb disposal teams, robots and helicopters full of SAS troopers ready to abseil down and kill everyone.

Unfortunately, no one is here manning our vitally important 24-hour a day hotline because they're down the pub, Or they forgot to come into work again.

You could try our alternative two-hour a day lukewarm line, but I wouldn't bother if I were you. Why not write to your MP or raise your concerns at the next Fairford parish council meeting?

Otherwise, dial 999 and explain to Debbie at the telephone exchange what the big deal is about white vans parked around RAF Fairford carrying hundreds of kilograms of fertiliser explosives. Or stolen diesel. Who knows?

Thank you for your call that we've blithely ignored.

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay

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Amazon still trying to deliver to RAF Fairford

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Sep 28

Despite three Amazon Prime vans attempting to locate RAF Fairford, the online retailer insists it will deliver the packages ordered late last week from a Mr I Ran. 'Apparently they insist we don't leave the packages at the air base next door,' said an Amazon spokesman, adding, 'it's very irritating as for some reason security is very tight at the moment. Maybe they should order some Ring doorbell cameras if they're so paranoid,'

Counter terrorist police are being typically tight-lipped but have confirmed that they have impounded three Prime delivery vans, arrested five personnel, impounded several plastic barrels of urine and have discovered several parcels reported missing three months ago.

This isn't the first time Mr I Ran has arranged deliveries to the US manned airbase. It has previously ordered twenty pounds of plastic explosive and a clockwork timer device to be delivered using Asda home delivery, however the retailer substituted two lego kits and a Hello Kitty wall clock. Domino Pizza also attempted to deliver a pizza of mass destruction late last year, but forgot to add the Jalapeno peppers so it was turned back at the main gate.

Image: File:Amazon Prime van - 7 July 2025.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

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