Government urges public to eat rats to beat cost of living crisis

The government's latest advice to assist those it put into dire need on purpose, is to tell them to switch to a rat-based diet.

A statement from Downing Street said, with only brief pauses for corpsing, 'We urge the people of this great nation to make stiff upper lips like rats while you bite into rats. You see, it solves two problems:

1. The rumbling tummies of the squeezed middle will die down enough for us to hear ourselves think of the next ridiculous headline distracter.

2. It'll reduce the abundance of vermin during the inevitable strike by binmen when the rubbish will pile high in your streets.

'Eating rats will see you through the war. And it is a war. We declared a war on woke, and evil wokes must be destroyed. Everyone must make rat-consumption sacrifices and understand that the most important priority of this government is wokerati defeat. To that end, all government efforts will continue to be, quite rightly, focused on cultural division.'

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Meanwhile, in Paris:

Rats in a Sack demand Tory leadership candidates show them some respect

A group of the country's prominent rats in a sack is understood to have lodged a complaint with Tory Campaign Headquarters, citing the party's current leadership race is showing them in a particularly agreeable light.

Their spokesman, Roger, told reporters. 'OK, so we'd be the first to concede we're the lowest of the low. But it's what we do. We traditionally are the gold standard in unpalatable and vile sickening behaviour. But this shower of shite makes us look angelic and cuddly. We can't be doing with it.

'So this afternoon we have written to the party, asking they instruct candidates in the leadership race to behave with a modicum of decorum, get a grip and start conducting themselves like proper overprivileged toffs; not a bunch of pissed-up yobbos rolling around muddy puddles in a pub car park.'

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