Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'

Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.

Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.

'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'

It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

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First published 5 Sep 2023

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Birmingham appearing on maps since before the 2022 Commonwealth Games

There was some confusion this week after journalists claimed that this year’s Commonwealth Games have really put Birmingham on the map. Literal minded Reading resident Elsie Glovebox popped to check the Reader’s Digest AA Book Of The Road and found Birmingham was there, as she’d remembered it was, having looked at it many years ago when she and husband Stanley had used it when first visiting Stan’s sister Maureen who lives in King’s Heath.

Maureen was asked to comment and said Birmingham always appears on the weather map and incidentally, she’s delighted that King’s Heath is now a gay village, and wasn’t that Tony Iommi good on the opening ceremony, she hopes to see a bit more of him in the closing ceremony.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/beansandsausages-15282139/

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First published 9 Aug 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

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Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend

Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys. Said to be prompted by online 'influencers' such as 'SockRat' and 'Domsky', vulnerable young men are adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.

Belinda Truscott, Chair of the 'Committee for Research into why Teenage Boys are Such Unmitigated Twats', summarised the reports findings:

'Marginalised young men are taking unusual steps to make themselves more appealing to the opposite sex. This can include reading at length, from actual books - the ones made out of paper. In extreme cases we have come across boys as young as thirteen in possession of poetry. We are greatly concerned about the effects this might have on their ability to relate normally to football'.

One young man we spoke to said he felt under increasing pressure to 'Y'know, like, actually know stuff, cos you don't want your mates to think you're fick, innit bruv'. Another, extreme victim of the Brainmaxxing trend said 'I simply despise the less erudite. I'm here. I'm sesquipedalian. Get used to it'.

Author: johnnyotter

Image: WixAI