BBC Parliament part-scripted reality show

In a Panorama exclusive tonight, after three and a half years of meticulous investigation, Laura Kuenssberg finally reveals what the cameras in the House of Commons are actually recording – a carefully staged, partly improvised showcase of what might happen in that grand building if we actually had a proper government.

Through interviews with the show’s writers, Richard Curtis, Jo Brand, E L James and Gary Delaney, and explorations of the daily lives of actors Pev Datel (Rishi Sunak), Kory Rinnear (Dominic Raab), Cevin Kostner (Sir Keir Starmer) and Biona Fruce (Angela Rayner), Panorama reveals the truth behind the intricately constructed media sensation which was finally outed when the penny dropped that this week’s PMQs tussle between Dominic and Angela could only have been scripted by the author of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Watch ‘Illusion of Government’ on BBC One at 9pm tonight.

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Captain Pugwash friend says BBC portrayal of pirate ‘not true to life’

A lifelong work colleague of cartoon pirate Captain Pugwash has described the BBC’s dramatisation of his exploits on the high seas as "complete fantasy" and "so unfair on other members of the Black Pig crew and all who sailed in her".

Speaking to BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour, Tom who was cabin boy aboard the pirate ship during the Pugwash captaincy said: 'The BBC show just makes me so angry. The trouble is that people, especially in America, believe it to be completely true.'

The cabin boy added that the Pugwash character as depicted by the BBC was "not true to life" and totally misrepresented what it was like to be a blood thirsty pirate on the ocean waves. He also said high-seas rival Cut-Throat Jake had not plundered more treasure than Captain Pugwash as suggested during series two of the BBC dramatisation, and that The Flying Dustman crew were no match for the thieving blaggards aboard The Pig.

Tom confirmed he no longer watched Pugwash on TV saying the new BBC dramatisation had crossed a line and was only interested in ratings and not telling the true story about pirates. ‘It’s descended into crude sensationalism and dishonours all those that sailed under the skull and crossbones,' he said.

Dominic East who plays Pugwash in the BBC cartoon series defended the adaptation saying people should not be quite so sensitive about the show. ‘Some people are asking for a "fictional dramatisation disclaimer" to be added at the end of the show…. but quite honestly I think it’s a big fuss about nothing.

'Pugwash often used terms like "blistering barnacles" and "kipper me capstans’" and had a genuine west country accent to go with it. It is entirely accurate and not exaggerated for dramatic purpose. He really did talk like that.’

Filming for the cartoon series was suspended following the death of Queen Elizabeth II while the country observed a period of mourning throughout September. But production has resumed and show runner John Ryan confirmed the latest series will be aired on the BBC early in the new year.

Apprentice candidate admits that failure on task was totally down to them

A candidate on the Apprentice has shocked Lord Sugar, his advisors, fellow competitors and TV audiences by admitting that the failure of a task was entirely due to their incompetence, and that really, if someone should be fired right now, it was them.

In a refreshingly honest boardroom encounter, Mike Jones 42, held up his hands and accepted that during a totally artificial and unrealistic task sourcing and buying 12 random products for the lowest price around some European city whilst dressed in full business garb and pursued by 12 cameras and sound crew, he had contributed absolutely nothing of value.

'I fucked it up, good and proper', said Jones. 'That 2 kilos of scallops should have been got for £30 quid max, but the wholesaler saw I was totally green and got £250 out of me. And before you make some heavily scripted crappy fish-related pun, Lord Sugar, let me do it for you. I was stitched up like a kipper (or should that be scallop) - make sure you glance over to Karen and laugh at my expense at that point.'

'Actually, I'm surprised I made it to the final 6', continued Jones candidly. 'I've only given it 70% on every task, way less than the 110% you need and that everyone else says they have given. Why should you invest in me and not the other 5 candidates? Honestly, you shouldn't. I've ordered my own Uber out of here to save you being charged for that black cab that you have constantly on standby outside. It's the least I could do.'

Jones also admitted that winning The Apprentice wouldn't actually mean the world to him at all. 'I've got a good solid job as an astrophysicist with an interest in sustainability, and have spent 15 years since my PhD trying to develop ways of harvesting water from other planets. To be honest I'm really happy with what I do and just wanted to try and get my ideas for helping build our future and the future of our children out there'.

'I can go back to my job on Monday. I don't really think working with Lord Sugar would be a good fit for me. I'd probably hit him very hard on day 1 if he kept using the word 'process' to describe absolutely everything, from making a cup of tea, to going for a mid-morning dump.'

'Mike was a nice candidate, but he clearly hasn't learnt much from the process', said one of Lord Sugar's 'trusted advisors'.. Surely the process must tell him he's not cut out for working with a titan of industry like Alan',

'His long-term vision to extract water from planets over the next 100 years, and ultimately make these planets habitable by humans by 2120 was just so derivative, when compared to the vintage clothes apps and artisan bread stores being proposed by everyone else in this process', continued the advisor.

'There are literally hundreds of small businesses operating already in the planetary exploration sector. I just designed an cloud-based tool in 10 minutes that does something very similar to what he's suggesting. He needs to learn to bullshit a lot more or he won't get anywhere.'

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