#ColUmbro and #CherLochHomes - the next celebrity whodunnit trials revealed

As the WagathaChristie case comes towards an end, Tabloid sub-editors are already hoping for further pun-fest celebrity libel trials with a detective element to them and here at Newsbiscuit we can exclusively reveal the front runners:

#ColUmbro - Coleen Rooney is in the courtroom again, this time taking the mid-range sportswear manufacturer Umbro to court for allegedly producing cheap polyester-blend footy shirts that gave Wayne excessive nipple rub during his time playing for England. Evidence to be produced by Colleen in the witness box is thought to include 3 empty king-size jars of Vaseline

#LynamofDuty - Des Lynam is called back in to the BBC to face an AC-12 Ted Hastings style enquiry about historical anomalies in his expense claims during the Barcelona 1992 Olympics, thought to relate to a bowl of Patatas Bravas and a couple of pints of Cruzcampo shared with Barry Davies on Las Ramblas.

#CherLochHomes - Cher faces the witness box after becoming tied up in a Ponzi-scheme housebuilding scam. The Witches of Eastwick and Mamma Mia 2 star is found to have encouraged investors to part with over £2 million, supposedly to fund a holiday home development on the edge of Loch Lomond. If She Could Turn Back Time...

#PiqueBlinders - Gerard Pique, the gifted Barcelona FC Centre Back, has to do some defending of a different kind, after being accused of being the ringleader of a global venetian blind smuggling network. Using the famous Balkan Route through Afghanistan and Turkey into Europe, Pique is said to be responsible for nearly 80% of illegal blind imports, using county lines to tightly control supply of venetians, romans and those fancy shutters that everyone has nowadays.

#DefInParadise - there is Hysteria in the courtroom as Def Leppard appear in the witness box, to deny allegations of wearing overly tight stonewashed jeans and a dark black T-Shirt in the 35 degree heat of Guadeloupe.

#Gerrard-Depp-Heard-Hugh - Steven Gerrard walks into the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial by accident and encounters Hugh Grant, who is....er, that's enough celebrity court detective-style hashtags thanks. Newsbiscuit Eds.

Image: Unsplash/Jeremy Hortavin

Coleen Rooney cast as new 'Sherlock'

Following her Wagatha Christie success, Coleen Rooney is being cast as a female incarnation of Sherlock Holmes, with the character to adopt the nickname 'Shazza' and catchphrase ‘Elementary my dear… Rebekah Vardy’s account’. The deerstalker will be retained, but is now paired with some Louboutins. Vardy as Moriarty seems a shoe-in, as is Wayne as Doctor Watson.

A spokeswoman said ‘It’s a game of two halves Jeff and we gave it 110% which is 55% per half and technically impossible. We’re not the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency yet, but if we can finish top 4 then we can qualify for the champions league. We go again.’

Gary Grimthwaite, who is professionally furious, spluttered ‘First a lady Dr Who and now this. With no role models left, the only alternative for boys is a life of crime, like Boris Johnson.‘

Hat tip to Deskpilot3

Image: becchy | Pixabay

Rebekah Vardy lands job producing tabloid epigrams

Rebekah Vardy has secured a lucrative job as a social commentator, as a result of her ongoing court case with Colleen Rooney, it has emerged.

Vardy will be employed by the tabloid press to provide her own tweet-length summaries of major news items, with a stipulation of at least one level 2 obscenity in each message, a source revealed.

‘She’s a natural’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Lexicology at the University of Lunn. ‘Her tweets and messages have a Shakespearean rhythm to them, combining the wit of Mark Twain with the sense of pathos of Moliere’.

‘That c**t needs to get over him/herself’ has that universality, invoking feelings of anger along with a sense of that underlying truth that we are all searching for’, continued McBride. ‘It can be applied to Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin or Simon Cowell in equal measure. A kind of Everyman epigram for our age.’

Producing her first copy today, Vardy responded to the news that the UK economy had contracted by 0.1% last month: ‘UK plc growth rate is like a miniature chipolata. Last time I saw this much shrinkage was when Peter Andre’s Speedos came off after he jumped into a freezing North Sea’.