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The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.


The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.


Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”


The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.


A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.



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Sitting in his empty living room as bailiffs take the last of his furniture to their van, Red Wall voter, Alan Barnes, who voted Tory first time at the last election after previously having always supported Labour, is ecstatic with the mini-budget.


'OK, cards on the table, I was a Boris man through and through. His integrity and honesty really won me over. But now we’ve got Liz and Kwasi at the helm, things have just got even better. Believe me, that 63p a month gift sure is going to go along way. It’s what levelling up is all about.'


When asked if he bore any malice towards the government after many political commentators suggested the budget appears to favour the much better off in society, Mr Barnes said, 'Are you kidding me? With all these great times to look forward to just ahead, once the created wealth trickles down to the penniless like me, it will signal the beginning of a new dawn of fantastic opportunity.'


;Anyway, I haven’t got time to stand around and talk. Must get myself down the food bank before its stripped bare. Err... don't suppose you’d have a spare fiver I could borrow?'


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