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It was announced this evening that Jacob Rees-Mogg intends to personally write, publish, print and distribute a new weekly pamphlet in praise of the beleaguered PM. This is understood to be in direct response to what he sees as the unfair witch-hunt against Mr Johnson in the media.


A spokesman for the sepulchral oddity and MP for North East Somerset said: ‘Mr Rees-Mogg has acquired a small printing press and will be producing a most splendid and brightly optimistic communiqué offering Mr Johnson his fulsome and most loyal support. Jacob believes Boris is doing a wonderful job in tackling the pandemic despite never being seen in public other than for photo opportunities. He intends for the pamphlet to set the record straight.


'He will print at least forty copies of the communication, entitled Our Glorious Leader, and he will then personally place one in each of the coaching inns and wayside taverns so prevalent around the environs of the Palace of Westminster.’


When pressed as to whether it might perhaps be more effective and quicker to harness today's plethora of digital technology and media marketing platforms the spokesman replied. 'Mr Rees-Mogg has no time for newfangled gimmicks such as magic lantern apparatus, eleck-tricity and so forth. These he sees as pure evil and the instruments of Satan. Rather, he prefers to do things in a tried and trusted manner.’



First published 3 Jan 2022



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Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.


Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.


‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.


NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.


image from pixabay

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