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John Lewis announces new Rees-Mogg Edwardian Collection

Writer: Chipchase
Chipchase
Oct 22


Conservative curiosity and jobbing PG Wodehouse character Jacob Rees-Mogg, has signed a deal with John Lewis to promote his own brand of Edwardian clothing, household gadgetry and toys. The new J R-M lines will be on sale in all stores in time for Spring 2022.

He told Naga Munchetty: "It is simply splendid that my goods and wares are to be made available through such a fine retailing establishment as Messrs. John Lewis. Their emporiums are respected and trusted throughout the land, and indeed I, for one, wholeheartedly believe they are a reputable firm whose name remains synonymous with excellent quality and service. Hip-hip-hooray!

'What is more, I have been fortuitous in securing the services of an overseas facility in the far east, who will undertake manufacturing activities for my ranges at wonderfully competitive rates. Thus, protecting my profits, and in so doing, making me a tad wealthier.

The sepulchral parliamentarian further enthused: 'Toppers, cravats, wing-collared shirtings, hooped swimming costumes with straw boaters and copiously-brimmed hats with plumes of ostrich feathers will soon be all the rage; although one sour note has been sounded. The All England Club has banned the wearing of ornate millinery during Wimbledon for fear of causing arguments over restricting views of the on-court action.

'But it's not all about paters and maters, indeed no. Youngsters' smartphones and tablets will soon be naught but distant memories, what with my junior penny-farthing cycles, bagatelle boards, not to mention hoop and stick lines all expected to become firm favourites for the Summer holidays.'

First published 22 Oct 2021


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Rees-Mogg breaks into oligarch mansion to fit prepayment meter

Myke
Feb 8


The Conservative party has suspended the use of court warrants to force entry into yachts and mansions to fit prepayment meters. An undercover investigation by the Times appears to show a group of senior Tory MPs banging on the door of a Mayfair building before a team of locksmiths and accountants force their way inside.


Vladimir Lobamolotov, a single parent oil trader with close ties to the Kremlin, was too frightened to open his door. Once entry had been gained, the accountants connected his bank account to a direct payment meter.


‘I was terrified,’ said Mr Lobamolotov. ‘I said I was having difficulty keeping up my payments to the party, but they had no sympathy. They said if I didn’t pay, I would have no power.’


The Conservative party treasurer said he had absolutely no idea his MPs were breaking into the homes of vulnerable billionaires and has suspended the practice, focusing instead on helping them consolidate their bungs into a more manageable tariff.



image from pixabay



First published 8 Feb 2023


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Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

Writer: Sully
Sully
Dec 2, 2025

Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.


Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.


‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.


NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.


image from pixabay



First published 2 Dec 2023


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