top of page
Search

Rees-Mogg breaks into oligarch mansion to fit prepayment meter



The Conservative party has suspended the use of court warrants to force entry into yachts and mansions to fit prepayment meters. An undercover investigation by the Times appears to show a group of senior Tory MPs banging on the door of a Mayfair building before a team of locksmiths and accountants force their way inside.


Vladimir Lobamolotov, a single parent oil trader with close ties to the Kremlin, was too frightened to open his door. Once entry had been gained, the accountants connected his bank account to a direct payment meter.


‘I was terrified,’ said Mr Lobamolotov. ‘I said I was having difficulty keeping up my payments to the party, but they had no sympathy. They said if I didn’t pay, I would have no power.’


The Conservative party treasurer said he had absolutely no idea his MPs were breaking into the homes of vulnerable billionaires and has suspended the practice, focusing instead on helping them consolidate their bungs into a more manageable tariff.



image from pixabay



First published 8 Feb 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.


Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.


‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.


NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.


image from pixabay



First published 2 Dec 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true


A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.


National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.


The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:


'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.


'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.


'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.


'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.


'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.


'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.


'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'



Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

bottom of page