Johnson denies government held illegal raves during first lockdown

After news that the Tory party had a secret lockdown Christmas party last year, new allegations have surfaced that they spent the summer of 2020 organising illegal raves across the Oxfordshire countryside.

Leaked emails show that prominent members of the Conservative Party met up at Oxford Welcome Break Services on the M40 and drove to a big field where a performance stage and a huge marquee were set up. A convoy of chauffeur driven Bentleys, Rolls Royces and Mercedes drove around the countryside waiting for directions to be texted from the organisers, whilst the same time, avoiding the Feds.

An insider told us, 'Herbal teas, canapés, caviar and a selection of illegal drugs were consumed as leading Tories held a Summer of Gove, sorry Love, writhing naked to the banging sounds of DJ Duncan Smith.'

A spokesman for Jacob Rees Mogg told Newsbiscuit, "These allegations are totally unfounded. Jacob has never danced half naked with his tie tied around his head, strumming a guitar on the bonnet of his Siver Wraith."

The Metropolitan Police will not be investigating, as it happened in the past, but they have completed a minority report.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg now fully weaned

The entity known as Jacob Rees-Mogg, is aged 52 of your Earth years and is now fully weaned.

Rees-Mogg, who lists his hobbies as ordering urchins up chimneys, taking away the rights of workers and nanny’s bosom, has vigorously embraced his absurdly right-wing human-shaped avatar, pronouncing Matt Hancock as a genius, and threatening to administer as many thwacking to as many orphans as he has to in order to get women and the working classes to believe it.

A Tory spokeswoman, who did not wish to be named added ‘Jacob was weaned off “nanny’s nectar” after Brexit as British cows are now so much happier producing British milk.’

She then retched violently before whispering ‘You’ve got to get me out of here. He says there were good people on both sides of the Amritsar massacre. I have to keep this job a secret from my real friends… Help me!’

Rees-Mogg noted that if Brexit had taught us anything, and in his view it hadn't, then the sun should never again set on the uplands of the British Empire before continuing in Latin, then Greek for 15 more minutes, becoming increasingly aroused, eyes rolling backwards in his head, his glasses steaming up at the point of climax.

He then reclined on a rococo chaise longue, before flicking his fingers together and whispering ‘You should see what Gove gets up to... Brrrrap.’

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John Lewis announces new Rees-Mogg Edwardian Collection

Conservative curiosity and jobbing PG Wodehouse character Jacob Rees-Mogg, has signed a deal with John Lewis to promote his own brand of Edwardian clothing, household gadgetry and toys. The new J R-M lines will be on sale in all stores in time for Spring 2022.

He told Naga Munchetty: "It is simply splendid that my goods and wares are to be made available through such a fine retailing establishment as Messrs. John Lewis. Their emporiums are respected and trusted throughout the land, and indeed I, for one, wholeheartedly believe they are a reputable firm whose name remains synonymous with excellent quality and service. Hip-hip-hooray!

'What is more, I have been fortuitous in securing the services of an overseas facility in the far east, who will undertake manufacturing activities for my ranges at wonderfully competitive rates. Thus, protecting my profits, and in so doing, making me a tad wealthier.

The sepulchral parliamentarian further enthused: 'Toppers, cravats, wing-collared shirtings, hooped swimming costumes with straw boaters and copiously-brimmed hats with plumes of ostrich feathers will soon be all the rage; although one sour note has been sounded. The All England Club has banned the wearing of ornate millinery during Wimbledon for fear of causing arguments over restricting views of the on-court action.

'But it's not all about paters and maters, indeed no. Youngsters' smartphones and tablets will soon be naught but distant memories, what with my junior penny-farthing cycles, bagatelle boards, not to mention hoop and stick lines all expected to become firm favourites for the Summer holidays.'

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