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Reform to review all asylum claims since 1066



Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye.


A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.'


Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However, the party is confident it can reset Brexit to 1066. 'It's far easier to leave Europe before it even existed. We'll put an end to Norman immigration and will return to a happier time of Viking invasions.'


Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree




It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.


As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.



“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.



In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound




First published 12 Mar 2022


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PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any




A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'


'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.




First published 9 Mar 2022


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