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The British film industry today announced the release of the heartwarming Tale of Piddington Bear.


Based on the much loved Paddington films, but updated to reflect contemporary attitudes, Piddington tells the story of an orphaned bear from darkest Peru. Like Paddington, he’s named after the place where he arrives in the UK, in this case a small Oxfordshire village.


But whereas Paddington was welcomed with open arms by a warm and loving community, with only the almost certainly Reform-voting Mr Curry hostile to him, Piddington is immediately seen as a threat.


One scene has an outraged local telling TV news crews - “I used to let my son walk the dog in the park. I won’t be able to do that no more. Not now there’s someone foreign around.” Strangely she ignores the fact that the newcomer is a bear, a large carnivorous apex predator which is likely to make him far more of a threat to boy and dog than merely being from abroad.


In the end the village is so angry it votes to secede from the UK, following which the Prime Minister declares it a “safe third country” and starts deporting failed asylum seekers there, prompting the mayor to say, 'Bloody hell, we didn’t think that through.'


photo: Newsbiscuit Archive


The Oxfordshire village of Piddington has voted to leave the UK because of the plan to house male asylum seekers nearby.


But would they become a principality without a prince, a kingdom without a king, or a country without any sort of leader?


'They are welcome to seek asylum in our great country, announced a world leader today.  'They can take over Canada.'


photo: Newsbiscuit Archive


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Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye.


A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.'


Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However, the party is confident it can reset Brexit to 1066. 'It's far easier to leave Europe before it even existed. We'll put an end to Norman immigration and will return to a happier time of Viking invasions.'


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