Refugees | NewsBiscuit

First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair

Throngsman
Jun 9

Following weeks of desperate escape from war torn regions, and a terrifying encounter with Priti Patel after an 'interesting' journey across the English Channel, the first illegal immigrants, or refugees as they are sometimes referred as, have expressed 'deep regret' that they may now scheduled to fly to Rwanda by Ryanair.

'I can take the delays and the lousy airport food, but the 'upgrade' from a free seat to one with padding, arms, back and seat; the 'optional extra' for use of the indoor toilet in-flight for a surcharge, the charge for mediocre sandwiches at exorbitant prices and the mind boggling surcharges for one carry-on, two carry-ons or carry-ons with hold baggage that fail to address my handkerchief-tied-to-a stick luggage requirement,' said one of the first customers today. A spokesperson claiming to be from Ryanair said their pricing was fair and transparent, but insisted the length of the stick must not exceed 60cm, else a £20 - £40 surcharge will be payable, depending on the time of day.

Other travellers on the inaugural Rwanda flights are more pragmatic. 'It's a sh!t destination,' agreed one of them, 'but according to a spokesperson the nearest provincial airport to Kigali International Airport in Rwanda is Beauvais Tillé Airport in France, so I'll just hitch-hike back to Calais and jump on a li-lo,' he said.

image from pixabay

First published 9 June 2022

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A ceasefire has finally broken out in Gaza, as there are no more Palestinians to kill and Israel has finally run out of bullets. Subsequently, this uneasy truce will only last as long the IDF promises not to reload and the Palestinians promise not to breathe. What remains of the region lies in rubble, making it only slightly more attractive than Hastings.

A negotiator said: 'Palestinians can return to their homes or have their homes returned to them in these ironically named - bags for life. Instructions on how to reassemble your family* will be included, with an Allen key, some glue and a mixed bag of liberal excuses. *Appearances may differ from original photographs.'

One rueful refugee commented: 'We've salvaged something from all our misery, mainly a lot of scrap metal.'

image from pixabay

Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Sully
Nov 29, 2024

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.