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'I said I was resigning from parliament and now I want to change my mind'




Today's dilemma concerns an anonymous member of parliament.


Dear Aunt Brenda,


I recently had a bit of a rush to the head and announced I was resigning from my well paid job as a member of parliament and I've since realised that this might not be the wisest thing I've ever done. Do you think it would look bad if I tried to unresign?


Aunt Brenda replies:


It's very easy to criticise. Actually, it's a piece of cake. I spent five minutes at it this morning and came up with 500 words about you without pausing. You might try and move on to a new career; why not apply for a job at Channel 4? I'm sure they'd have been impressed with your programme on Talk TV - at least, if anyone had watched it. To be positive, your resignation announcement is one of the most popular things you've done. I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset your former colleagues by changing your minds, and to help with your decision, I've attached flight times to Rwanda.


I hope this helps!

Drunk, texting motorist driving unroadworthy car still waiting for police report



A man who refused to comment on an incident in which he caused a rush-hour pile up on the M4, in fog at night in which 180,000 people died while driving a works car with defective retread tyres, while five times over the alcohol limit while sending a text to his secret lover about their imminent love child has been criticised for his obtuse understanding of the situation.


The man said he was waiting for a report from traffic police into whether he had broken the law or not.


The man said even if found guilty, he would not resign from his post as chair of the Road Safety Committee or head of Drink Aware or patron of Single Parents for Justice, insisting none of the alleged transgressions was a sackable offence.

Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party




Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.


The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".


Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.




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