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More misery for Johnson as Larry the Cat resigns from Cabinet



It has been a bad week for the PM following multiple resignations by senior chief of staff and communications officers at Downing Street. But the crisis was made even worse overnight by the resignation of one of Boris Johnsons most loyal and trusted allies….Larry the cat.


Larry has not only been a confidant and close friend of the Prime Minister throughout his two years in office but has helped shape policy and influence decision making regarding Brexit, Covid and the economy. But Larry told reporters that he had been appalled by recent comments made by the PM it was now time to go.


‘Like countless others before me I often shared a bed with Boris….so I got to know what really motivates him and makes him tick….believe me, it is not pleasant.


'He loves to be adored and pampered and fussed over. …I couldn’t get a look in. We cats are known for being able to pleasure our own arse as part of our grooming regime….but we can’t hold a candle to the obsequious Tory sycophants and unctuous enablers who still support this lying, mendacious clown ….slavering over his gaping sphincter and mopping up his excess bowel movements like it was manna from heaven.


'Well…enough is enough. I am one of the few remaining at Number 10 who can leave with their head held high and dignity still intact….even though I have just shit in Nadine Dorries handbag and left a fur ball in Rishi Sunaks jar of Brylcreem.


I have now emptied my litter in-tray and taken my last shit in the rose garden.


And if Carrie is wondering who scratched the fuck out of that tawdry wallpaper.........'


Brian Dobbins denies having a party in his shed last Christmas


In a heated debate in the Dobbins' household, the leader of the ruling occupiers denied rumours that 'two or more' people had engaged in workshop-type activity in his garden shed on December 18 last year when Tier three rules were in force.


'I deny that there was any woodworking activity carried on in that shed by anyone other than myself on my own, and if there was any woodworking activity carried on inside that shed by two or more people at that time I was unaware of it,' he stated, while confirming he had the only key to the shed 'since Margaret accidently dropped the spare down the outside drain last year.'


When asked about the wonky gazebo that appeared in the garden just before Christmas with 'lengths of wood that would have been impossible to handle on his own', Dobbins denied there was anything irregular about the gazebo apart from the measurements which made it lean very much to the right whenever any of his household complained about him.


'It didn't get made, and if it did I didn't make it, and if it was made and I was there then it was made with everyone, including myself, socially distanced, which didn't happen as it wasn't made. I've been advised the Covid restrictions were followed strenuously at all times,' he insisted.


Margaret Dobbins, who has previously smoothed the less than tranquil waters of Dobbins' Towers, as the family home is known, broke down into tears when a WhatsApp video was circulated on the neighbourhood group showing her practising denying a gazebo had been made, with the gazebo clearly behind her, leaning so far to the right it was almost horizontal. Mrs Dobbins has now resigned from speaking for the family.


In a separate debate with neighbours the Dobbins' have distanced themselves from the selection of 'tacky gold effect' wallpaper hung in the lounge. 'It was in the remnants bin at B&Q, had been a million pounds a roll but was being sold of for 50 pence the lot,' explained Mr Dobbins. 'Sure it's tasteless, but it's what the missus likes,' he said, denying he'd taken money out of Dobbins' junior's pocket money to pay for it. 'It was just a loan, I didn't know where it came from,' he said today.






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