Gambling Commission to investigate leaving EU, herd immunity and Rwanda plan

The Gambling Commission is to investigate a series of risky punts the Conservative Party has made over the past 14 years.

Top bookie-type who knows all the hand signals, Dai Roller said, 'If you're so stupid as to make a bet you're definitely going to lose, then gambling houses are happy to accept your charitable generosity. Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt wagering the entire UK economy on the election being on the 44th July? Well, he's just a mug who doesn't understand how numbers work, and the industry thanks him for his continued financial support.

'But if you're going to gamble so recklessly with people's lives, the futures of their children, and the welfare of the entire planet, then we've got to look at that sh!t. I mean, no one else is going to, are they?

'F*ck me, though. Do you know how long it's going to take us to investigate all the epic punt fails the Tories made? We've already found 863 examples of utterly imbecilic bets bound to cause widespread death to innocent members of the British public, and we're not even up to the Liz Truss era.'

Image: Pixabay/stux

When the Vote Comes in

Come here, my little Mikey

I’ve smoked my wacky baccy

Let’s have a line of cracky

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

If you have a wishy

For the little Rishi

He will seem a little fishy

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We shall have our wishy when the vote comes in

Here’s the lady Mordaunt

Carrying her sword on

Might supersede the morons

When the vote comes in

Dance to the Tories, sing to the money

Dance to the Tories, to the money sing

You shall see a Rishi with no Sky on dishy

We have got our wishy now the vote’s come in

image: Pixabay/mounsey

Tories to shake up the NHS with the return of the 'wise woman'

Snivelling guttersnipe, Roland Rat-alike and current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, will delight the Tory faithful today, with a promise of re-introducing Wise Women to the NHS.

'Hospitals and GPs are very expensive,' Sunak will tell party faithful in a speech later today. 'The Conservative Party will shake up the NHS, by putting a shrivelled old crone in a hovel, in every village, in every part of the country.'

'Their knowledge of the flora and fauna of the countryside will be more than enough to treat almost all common ailments. This will lead to a reduction in waiting lists and far fewer people needing hospital treatment, but requiring more undertakers. Hospitals will be freed up to treat diseases of affluence, including gout, alcoholism and proper diabetes.'

Labour Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has ridiculed the policy, saying that there aren't enough affordable hovels, or trained Wise Women, and that Britain will have to source them from overseas; places like the Isle of Wight, The Farne Islands and islands in boating lakes in Britain's larger parks.'

Image: Newsbiscuit