Rishi Sunak revealed as comedy character

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak was today revealed to be an immersive comedy character along the lines of Alan Partridge or Borat.

'I started by getting him elected as a Conservative MP,' said comedian Sanjay Banerjee, who plays Sunak. 'Which frankly wasn’t that hard, given his constituency would elect a lamppost if it had a blue rosette on it. And then I thought I’d just see how far I could take it.

'No one was more surprised than me when he was made Chancellor and then leader of the party, and thus Prime Minister without reference to the electorate. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst - every day I wake up in 10 Downing Street thinking this’ll be the day, I’ll open the papers and see I’ve been found out. But it never happens.

'The idea - do I really need to explain this? - was to satirise a posh, out of touch politician with no idea about ordinary people’s lives, who puts his foot in it whenever he tries to relate to them. Frankly I thought I’d gone too far with things like the petrol station stunt, where he borrowed a staffer’s small hatchback for a photo op, as if people wouldn’t realise it’s not the car he usually drives. But people seemed to accept he was just a bit clumsy around PR stuff.

'So I had to up the ante - asking the Welsh if they were looking forward to the football, saying I was deprived as a kid because we didn’t have Sky TV, and of course leaving D-Day early. I mean come on, what real British politician would do that? But still nothing.

'Frankly, it’s why I called an early election - I can’t live like this any more. It frightens me that no matter how far I take it, no one realises it’s all a gag. Then again, if a multi-millionaire like David Cameron can say 'We’re all in the same boat’, I suppose all bets are off. You’d almost think he was a comedy character too.'

'Yeah, OK,' said comedian Steve Barnes, who played Cameron for years. 'I suppose it’s time to come clean.

'Frankly, I’d been looking forward to retiring the Cameron character - I do quite a few other characters too, you know, plus improv on Thursday and Sunday nights. But then they bloody made him Foreign Secretary.'

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Tory election campaign wins Turner Prize

The Turner Prize panel has announced that the Conservative Election Campaign is the 2024 winner of the Turner Prize.

'This is a stunning mix media piece.' read a statement on behalf of the panel's chair, Alex Farquharson, written on the back of a Tory election leaflet. 'Such a brave combination of rainwater, pork pies and excreta that presents a deception that is so transparent that it deceives no-one.'

The awarding of the prize has caused controversy after the piece's creator, Rishi Sunak, issued a counter-statement protesting against the award.

'The point of the piece is to lose; by naming it a 'winner' means that the artwork has failed. But, by failing, it has achieved it's aim of losing. Hang on a minute, this is getting a bit confusing; if I refuse the prize, can I keep the money?'

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Drawings of cocks will still count as votes

Voters are being warned that spoiling your ballot paper by drawing a cock and balls on it may not prevent it being counted as a vote. The Electoral Commission said that such actions will be interpreted as portraying a preference for the biggest knob amongst the candidates.

However, this will be done on a constituency by constituency basis, so that drawing a prick will not necessarily be considered as a vote for Rishi Sunak, Sir Keir Starmer, or even that LibDem bloke, even though they are all regularly compared to male members.

One thing is clear however. Since Nigel Farage declared that he would stand, it has been decided that any drawings of female genitalia will be counted as votes for Reform UK.

Image: MostafaElTurkey36 - Pixabay