Craig Williams bet on government delivering sh*t to every household

Concerns have been raised after it was revealed that Rishi Sunak aide, Craig Williams, has placed a large bet that the government will be delivering a parcel of excrement to every household in the UK.

The BBCs political correspondent, Joe Pike, explained that Mr Williams was close to the Prime Minister and it, unfortunately, seemed likely that this would be carried out. 'The government has been criticised for allowing water companies to pump excrement into rivers so one solution would be to post parcels of it around the country. This was seen as a 'marginal' policy by many, but this bet seems to make it much more likely.'

'If North Korea can use rubbish bags as a sort-of weapon, then the Tories can too.'

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Voters thrilled at prospect of new Sky TV channel 'Watching Paint Dry'

Voters whose brains are in danger of imploding or simply turning to jelly after weeks of exposure to endless non-stop politedium have greeted the proposed new TV channel with ecstasy.

Ecstasy has turned to disenchanted for some however, with comments like 'I'm beginning to realise that one week watching paint drying can be very much like another week watching paint drying.'. Another whispered, 'keep this quiet, but actually, it's pretty difficult to detect any difference between the appearance of paint which is still wet and paint which has dried.'

One viewer admitted to skipping forward through the action (or more accurately, the inaction) to enjoy the sheer relief of the next advertising break. 'Even that got a bit tiresome after a while' the disenchanted viewer admitted 'when I realised that most of the advertisements were for gambling companies trying to persuade viewers to bet on which particular patch of paint is likely to dry first, or whether a specific patch of paint will dry in a certain time.'

'What we really want is something that holds us all completely spellbound, blind and deaf to all else around us' suggested another 'Something like "Celebrity Paint Watch." Who could possibly resist the lure of watching celebrities watching paint dry, with the relentless excitement of wondering how long it might be before one of them completely loses it and goes crazy - or dies of old age.'

A Downing Street spokesman confirmed Rishi Sunak was now able to afford Sky TV. 'You meant buying the whole company, right?'

Image: Nick Fewings (@jannerboy62) | Unsplash Photo Community

Rishi Sunak revealed as comedy character

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak was today revealed to be an immersive comedy character along the lines of Alan Partridge or Borat.

'I started by getting him elected as a Conservative MP,' said comedian Sanjay Banerjee, who plays Sunak. 'Which frankly wasn’t that hard, given his constituency would elect a lamppost if it had a blue rosette on it. And then I thought I’d just see how far I could take it.

'No one was more surprised than me when he was made Chancellor and then leader of the party, and thus Prime Minister without reference to the electorate. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst - every day I wake up in 10 Downing Street thinking this’ll be the day, I’ll open the papers and see I’ve been found out. But it never happens.

'The idea - do I really need to explain this? - was to satirise a posh, out of touch politician with no idea about ordinary people’s lives, who puts his foot in it whenever he tries to relate to them. Frankly I thought I’d gone too far with things like the petrol station stunt, where he borrowed a staffer’s small hatchback for a photo op, as if people wouldn’t realise it’s not the car he usually drives. But people seemed to accept he was just a bit clumsy around PR stuff.

'So I had to up the ante - asking the Welsh if they were looking forward to the football, saying I was deprived as a kid because we didn’t have Sky TV, and of course leaving D-Day early. I mean come on, what real British politician would do that? But still nothing.

'Frankly, it’s why I called an early election - I can’t live like this any more. It frightens me that no matter how far I take it, no one realises it’s all a gag. Then again, if a multi-millionaire like David Cameron can say 'We’re all in the same boat’, I suppose all bets are off. You’d almost think he was a comedy character too.'

'Yeah, OK,' said comedian Steve Barnes, who played Cameron for years. 'I suppose it’s time to come clean.

'Frankly, I’d been looking forward to retiring the Cameron character - I do quite a few other characters too, you know, plus improv on Thursday and Sunday nights. But then they bloody made him Foreign Secretary.'

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