Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Amidst the hoopla of the Tory leadership competition, details emerged today of a secret competition going on in the background to be the next leader but one.

'Seriously, who'd want to become leader now?' said a floppy-haired young man from a public school background, who for the first time in his life wished to remain anonymous. 'Whichever poor sod wins will get rinsed at the next election and resign in disgrace. That's when the real competition starts.'

'Exactly,' said a young woman from an ethnic minority, but still the same public school background. 'Though I must admit, when I see Starmer cutting winter fuel payments to pensioners, accepting freebies from billionaires and confusing hostages with sausages, I do wonder if we might have a chance.

'Then I remember Rishi leaving D-Day early, and pretty much everything Liz Truss ever said or did, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid. No, I'll let someone else take the fall in 2029, then campaign to replace them.

'At this point, I think I'd rather be the next leader of Hezbollah than the Tories,' she quipped, prompting a furious reaction from Hezbollah denying that the two organisations were in any way alike.

Image: WixAI

Sunak asks Farage for a loan 'to tide him over'

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Historic victory for 'meh'

With the majority of UK voters staying at home, Labour has swept to victory on a wave of apathy, astride the surf board of regret. Their gamble paid off, that although they were hated, the Tories were hated more. With reported election fever just being trapped wind.

In a triumph of the least worst option, Labour now hoped to deliver on their promise of no hope. They set out a bold vision of winning and then counting down the clock until the big pension kicks in.

Sir Keir wasted no time in becoming vilified, something most PMs take a few wars to become. He told a packed audience that he would never knowingly meet their expectations and would always strive to seem bald on the inside. Crowds of upwards of five people, held up placards demanding change. To which Starmer said he would - but only his socks - and then only once a fortnight.