top of page
Search

A dark defection

-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell.


'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel.


“Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t feel like we were a serious outfit actually prepared to take over the running of things. The idea of working with Nigel Farage, the Orange Anti-Christ emulator, and disgraced Tories whose sexual deviancy, dishonesty and venal corruption was too much even for the extreme-right of the Conservative Party to tolerate has been quite a temptation for rather a long time – and, as you know, temptation is my stock-in-trade.'


Polishing his trident, and with a glint in his eye, he added, 'But the opportunity to work with Robert Jenrick - the man who ordered the painting over of cartoon murals at a child asylum unit - lest they should make frightened and lonely children feel comforted - was just too good a chance to miss.'


He sat back in his throne and grimaced with satisfaction. 'So Reform felt like a natural – well, preternatural – move for me. Suella Braverman was just the icing on the cake.'



Image credit: perchance.org


Farage spotted coming out of disguise shop


Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway.


‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Robert Jenrick. Plus the Childcatcher only imprisoned children, he didn’t paint over their cartoons.


‘Jonathan Gullis will be dressed in a monocle and mortar board to boost his perceived IQ into double figures. If we can tempt him off the tyre swing we should be okay. Nigel hasn’t bought a disguise for Nadine Dorries but he’s keeping her off the booze for a week – she’ll be unrecognisable’.


Danny Kruger will be dressed as Freddy Kreuger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The malevolent spirit who invades dreams and gives children nightmares is understood to be thrilled to be joining Reform.


The plan is to present Reform as some kind of underground movement of rebels – like the A Team but probably without Mr T – rather than a selection of reanimated corpses dug up from unconsecrated ground, also known as Tories.


Nigel Farage is playing his part by permanently holding a fake pint of beer so the voters forget he’s a public school-educated millionaire. It’s a deliberately pisspoor disguise, only capable of fooling registered morons. Luckily for Nigel, they each have a vote.




Robert Jenrick Blames Country's Problems on Robert Jenrick


New Reform MP Robert Jenrick has unveiled his party's vision for the UK, blaming issues with migration, energy costs, low police numbers, the NHS, and taxes on Robert Jenrick.


"Let me be clear," the MP for Newark and anagrams said in a speech, "uncontrolled mass migration and the flood of arrivals by boat is totally the fault of the former Conservative immigration minister Robert Jenrick, who is absolutely not the Robert Jenrick you see before you right now. The housing of migrants in hotels and the paying of huge contracts for this out of government funds is also the fault of Conservative Robert Jenrick. Again not Reform Robert Jenrick, who is a totally different member of parliament who sits in a completely different place to the former Shadow Justice Secretary who was sacked by the Tories."


When asked about issues other than immigration, Reform Robert Jenrick also was quick to turn his ire on Conservative Robert Jenrick, remarking, "Problems with the NHS clearly stem from Robert Jenrick's time as a health minister; a lack of social cohesion and rampant Council Tax rises from Robert Jenrick's time as secretary of state for Housing, Communities and Local Government; and problems with the economy from Robert Jenrick's tenure as Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. It is obvious to all but the stupidest that the wheels started coming off the country when Robert Jenrick was given any form of power within a governing administration. Thankfully, Reform Robert Jenrick is pandering to the stupidest, so I look forward to retaining my seat with a larger majority when the next General Election comes around."


Political Theorist Dr O'ctopus from the Marvel University of DC explained the phenomenon, telling us, "This isn't political amnesia; rather a political multiverse. Once parties are out of power, a new dimension is created where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. This explains things like Boris Johnson's columns in the Daily Mail criticising the country's actions during Covid, Kemi Badenoch attacking Labour's implementation of the Conservative plan to return the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, and blaming Rachel Reeves for not fixing fourteen years of managed economic decline led by four Prime Ministers from 2010 to 2024.




bottom of page