Some people may have listened to the speech Robert Jenrick gave to the Tory party conference with mounting alarm, said a spokesman for Lebensraum Translation Services, "especially when he screeched the words: 'Let us fight for a better future! Let us build this new order! Let's take our country back!'
"To the ordinary fellow, this may have sounded like an annoyingly ambitious pipsqueak of a politician veering dangerously into hard right territory in a desperate attempt to capture the leadership of his party.
"However, if you translate these words back into the original German, as they were spoken in a Munich beer hall in the late 1920s, they take on an entirely different meaning.
"The speaker, sickened by a humiliating defeat, promises to lead his people on the high road back to glory. That's also true for Jenrick, but in German it sounds sort of operatic.
"I mean, at least that guy believed in something - which is a notch up on Herr Jenrick. You'd need a cryogenic transmission electron microscope to even get close to discovering a single sincere belief in Herr Jenrick's head.
"Now I just need to translate this last gem from the great future Tory leader's lips - 'Gott in Himmel, wo ist all der Weissfolk in that godforsaken dump, Handsworth?'
"Oh, dear. That bit doesn't sound too great in anyone's language, does it?"
Amidst calls from several members that the Conservative Party should consider merging with Reform UK to reclaim lost voters, Kemi Badenoch has stated 'I am in no way considering nor ever will consider making a deal with Nigel Farage, until I inevitably do'
In response to the speculation that the Tories, who are suffering badly in the polls, would inevitably end up try to make a pact with Reform UK. Badenoch told the Daily Express (which she recently noted is her preferred method of communication) that this is not the case until it is.
'The Conservatives are struggling right now, absolutely' she stated in the front-page splash 'but we've still got four years to try and regain the confidence of our voters and the public, so there's absolutely no need for us to go cap in hand to Farage, who I personally think is a loud-mouth reactionary. That is, of course, until we fail miserably to regain the confidence of our voters and I decide we've got no choice and do go to Farage, who by then I'll have decided is speaks a lot of common sense'
Deputy Leader Robert Jenrick, who supported a potential coalition until Badenoch ordered him not to make such idiotic statements until she was saying them too, commented 'Kemi is a bold, determined leader who has made a promise that is set in stone, and it'll stay that way until she decides to smash that stone with a metaphorical hammer and carve a new promise totally going against the one she originally carved which is now lying in pieces on the floor which the cleaner can take care of afterwards. If Kemi says there's going to be no coalition then they'll be no coalition, that's a guarantee... just like she recently guaranteed me that if she does merge the parties even though she's promised she definitely won't then Nigel Farage won't take my job, unless he does. Actually, now I'm thinking about it, should I be worried?'
Sir Keir Starmer has also weighed in, claiming that a Conservative-Reform coalition would be an 'absolute disaster for the UK, maybe even more than the one that's in charge right now'.
Image: Newsbiscuit archive