King aghast at Harry’s charity problems

King Charles is reported to be horrified at Harry’s disastrous problems with the Sentabale charity.

Sources report him as saying, ‘This is pretty basic stuff.   Charity work is the third most important thing about being royal.  And he’s making a pig’s ear of it.

‘The first and second most important things about being royal are, number one, smiling.   Closely followed by number two, waving.  Mind you, that lad was only ever adequate at smiling and only satisfactory at waving.

‘He has probably exhausted himself with that smiling and waving, and that’s probably why he’s made such a mess of the charity work.  And it’s with a charity that is closely associated with his mother, for goodness’ sake. That boy is such an idiot.  And I don’t suppose that She Who Must Not Be Named has done anything to help Harry either.  Heavens above.  What a shit show.  Is that the expression?  Not something Mummy ever used to say.

‘And don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Image credit: Wix AI

Sir Keir Starmer to unveil new upgraded State Visit Package – Gold Edition

For those frequent State Visit clients, why not upgrade your experience to create unforgettable memories in a haven of refined elegance and sycophantic obedience?

Buckingham Palace invites you to submerge yourself in unparalleled luxury with a total absence of legal scrutiny. Indulge in personalized service, with a bespoke state banquet catered by a cornucopia of American fast-food outlets.

Play a round of golf at one of the many elitist courses that can be segregated in all manner of different ways at your request. Includes 24-hour use of the Royal Ball Washer.

One journalist can be picked by the client and sent to the Tower of London. Hilarity will ensue.

Meet with likeminded individuals to discuss private islands and removing names from flight logs to your hearts content.

You will spend time with King Charles version 3.0, maybe not as humorous as his grandfather, but still highly skilled in inane flattery and feigned interest.

The Royal Carriage will have improved suspension to allow for an increased weight capacity and will now include a plethora of hand stitched leather cup holders.

A special inspection of the guard of honour is available, all soldiers will be tested to ensure that they remain professional with a loaded firearm so close to your vicinity. If you would like ammunition removed and for them to use rubber bayonets, this can be accommodated for.

This week only, a complementary extra-long tie with ermine finish.

Meghan and Harry in dispute with What 3 Words

Meghan and Harry are taking legal action against location service What 3 Words. Meghan says that the service should not allow users to identify their home in Montecito, California.

Meghan is particularly upset that the location of their house is identified by the three words useless.royal.losers

The company says that the identification words are entirely coincidental, and are generated without human intervention by a computer algorithm. It has pointed out that useless.royal.losers only identifies one three metre square area of Harry and Meghan's property. Other parts are identified by unrelated three word phrases such as james.hewitt.lovechild, smug.pointless.tossers and desperate.gormless.phonies.

Image: WixAI / Blur image online