The signs are there for all to see...
1. The US government has taken to murdering its own citizens
3. The British Royal Family descends into depravity
3. There is a photograph of Peter Mandelson in his underpants on the front page of the Daily Telegraph
Image credit: Wix AI
Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out.
'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike.
'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that. Just my little joke. I expect those curtains are a goner.
'The Royals always favoured fabric wall covering - that's going to be an expensive mistake. Worst of all is that we've found black mould in seven of the bedrooms. You'd expect that on a council estate, but not here. I can't imagine Prince Philip putting up with black mould.
'The worst room was an antechamber, which was used as a TV room. We've cleared out a lot of pizza boxes - I can't tell you which brand, obviously. The grease has penetrated the wing backed sofa, and you wouldn't believe where we found pepperoni and sausage. Someone didn't like it, I reckon, and started throwing it around. Or maybe someone misunderstood the rules of hide the sausage.
'Between you and me, some of this stuff will have to be burnt. I don't think Charles will be happy, but at least he can put the ashes on the veg patch.
'This is going to cost millions to clean up. I don't reckon that Andrew will deal with the bill. By which I mean the invoice, of course, not the rozzers.'
Image credit: perchance.org
Mediums have described 'agitated' visits by the ghost of Queen Victoria, who is reportedly concerned about Britain’s declining fortunes.
‘She’s very moody’, one mystic told us. ‘At first she was impressed with my iPhone, but when she found out the company is American and the phone was made in China she went quiet and then started effing and jeffing. Thank God she isn’t a poltergeist’.
Another psychic reported a ‘stormy’ discussion with Queen Victoria after seeing a map of the world. ‘Her Majesty asked me, quote “why isn’t it red any more and where the f*ck did f*cking Burma go?” Then she went on about places I’ve never heard of, like Sudan and Rhodesia. It was horrible’.
Queen Victoria was never much fun to be around in life; if anything, death appears to have made her even grumpier. Still, at least she’s only mourning a lost Empire. George Washington’s ghost was on earlier, mourning the lost soul of America. Makes you think.
Have you been visited by a deceased monarch? Maybe Harold moaning about his eye? Or Charles the First, minus his head? If so, please keep it to yourself. Ditto for vegans: we don’t need to know.
