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Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda


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A very scary cold-blooded creature discovered on an aeroplane flying over Africa turned out to be the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman.


It is thought that the slithering serpent boarded the plane in Rwanda and thankfully disembarked without sinking those vicious fangs into anyone aboard the flight.


The pilot was dismissive of claims that he was a hero, however. ‘I just tried to keep calm and make sure everyone got off that plane safely’, he said


. ‘I have no idea what I’d have done if it was a really poisonous, evil, slimy little snake like that Michael Gove.’


Afghan pilot has to go to Rwanda 'because of pixelation'


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The government has stated that although it appreciates the level of bravery of an Afghan pilot who served alongside British forces in his home country, he can't stay here because 'he came across in a small boat and is exhibiting serious pixelation. We've had a lot of pixelated foreigners lately and frankly, who wants to live next door to a faceless pixel-covered person?' asked a government minister.


The government agrees that Rwanda has a shortage of pixelated people, and in particular ones with brown pixels. 'We would happily open our arms to people bearing white pixels,' said the government spokesman, 'unless they come from the EU. And can't drive a HGV, or whatever "emergency skill" we're short of today'.




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