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Asylum-seekers To Be Made to Eat Stringy Bits From Bananas

In their latest attempt to appear tough on immigration, the government has announced that all detained asylum seekers above the age of twelve will be fed on a diet consisting entirely of the stringy strips of banana skin that people fastidiously peel off from the fruit before discarding.


These fibrous strips, or, 'fluffy runners' to give them their biological name, contain small amounts of starch and potassium and very little else.


A Home Office spokesperson told NewsBiscuit: 'During the Second World War we Brits didn't have any bananas at all, much less nutritious fluffy runners.


'A choice of preparations will be available, including fried runners, boiled runners and runners en croute with a light acorn gruel crust.'


Asylum-seekers under twelve years of age will be given runners that have been dried and then ground into a fine powder mixed with lukewarm tap water to provide a wholesome porridge, but woe betide any who ask for more'.


Human rights groups have hit out at the move, calling it 'inhumane' and 'shameful'.


Amnesty went even further:'Forcing these unfortunate people to exist on a diet of fluffy runners is barbaric in our view and must be prevented at all costs'


However, addressing recent rumours that all failed asylum claimants will be deported on Ryanair flights, the government moved quickly to deny the speculation, with a Department of Immigration spokesperson telling reporters: 'We're a civilised nation. We are not animals'.





RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs


At this week's NATO Summit, Sir Keir Starmer announced that RyanAir had been chosen to carry and potentially deliver the UK's airborne nuclear arsenal as part of the group's response to developing threats.


'Ordinarily we would use the RAF,' said the Prime Minister at the talks in The Netherlands, 'however, following a competitive tendering process and an evaluation of operational capability, we felt outsourcing the delivery mechanism was a prudent decision. RyanAir are already skilled in causing airborne misery to countless thousands, so this is simply business as usual for them.'


At their headquarters just outside Dublin, RyanAir CEO Michael O'Leary was delighted with the news, telling reporters, 'Today, not only do Ireland join the Nuclear Powers of the world, but we do it at a fraction of the cost of the Manhattan Project. Now we've got the contract, we've also informed Westminster that the costs will increase, as when we've measured the bombs in question, they don't fully fit in the sizer.


'So there is an excess fee for carrying them. The UK and US Governments have also already shared possible targets with us, and if we drop a bomb within 100 miles of them, we'll claim it as a direct hit.'


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