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Ryanair announces new perks


'Fresh air is a rare commodity and we're proud to be the first airline to offer this,' said a Ryanair spokesman, 'and at only £7 it's a steal,' he added.


'We accept there are less dramatic ways of achieving this and are actively retrofitting hinges and release mechanisms under the control of cabin staff. This does not include sticking your head out to get a better view, obviously. That's £5 extra', he said.


image from Google Gemini


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Asylum-seekers To Be Made to Eat Stringy Bits From Bananas

In their latest attempt to appear tough on immigration, the government has announced that all detained asylum seekers above the age of twelve will be fed on a diet consisting entirely of the stringy strips of banana skin that people fastidiously peel off from the fruit before discarding.


These fibrous strips, or, 'fluffy runners' to give them their biological name, contain small amounts of starch and potassium and very little else.


A Home Office spokesperson told NewsBiscuit: 'During the Second World War we Brits didn't have any bananas at all, much less nutritious fluffy runners.


'A choice of preparations will be available, including fried runners, boiled runners and runners en croute with a light acorn gruel crust.'


Asylum-seekers under twelve years of age will be given runners that have been dried and then ground into a fine powder mixed with lukewarm tap water to provide a wholesome porridge, but woe betide any who ask for more'.


Human rights groups have hit out at the move, calling it 'inhumane' and 'shameful'.


Amnesty went even further:'Forcing these unfortunate people to exist on a diet of fluffy runners is barbaric in our view and must be prevented at all costs'


However, addressing recent rumours that all failed asylum claimants will be deported on Ryanair flights, the government moved quickly to deny the speculation, with a Department of Immigration spokesperson telling reporters: 'We're a civilised nation. We are not animals'.





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