Sadiq Khan to introduce negative speed limits

In conjunction with physicists at London University, Mayor Sadiq Khan plans to introduce negative speed limits on London’s roads.

”We’ve done everything we can to screw money out of motorists,” said a spokesman for the diminutive extortionist. “We’ve made speed limits so low you’re almost certain to get fined if you drive anywhere, especially as we’re careful not to signpost the 20mph limits if we can help it.

”However, I know the boss is frustrated by all the people who have cars but don’t use them much. We’ve done everything we can to force them off public transport - no aircon or 24 hour service on the tube, most trains not accessible to wheelchair users, usually no service at the weekends… and don’t even get me started on buses. But there are some people who just won’t take the hint.

”Fortunately, the physicists we’ve consulted advise us there is a such a thing as negative speed, and apparently it doesn’t just mean going backwards. Therefore we feel entirely justified in imposing a negative speed limit all over London, so even parked cars are breaking it,”

The spokesman went on to say this in no way replaces fines for illegal parking, which they’d probably quietly increase while everyone’s attention was elsewhere.

Photo by Nabeel Syed on Unsplash

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile.

"We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age.

"But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is.

"So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment. I'll be telling my minion Starmer to enrich the train drivers as much as they like, with the passengers paying the cost through higher fares. That's always worked in the past.

"People are also saying to me: 'Sir, will you manage to re-open the Strait of Hainault to allow transit through to Theydon Bois and Barking?'

"We'll see, but why not? This whole venture of mine in the Middle East End of London has been totally barking, anyway."

image from Grok

Sheriff J.W. Pepper named as next Met Police Chief

The world of policing has been turned upside down and the people of London will sleep much safer in their beds after the announcement of Sir Mark Rowley's replacement as Head of the Metropolitan Police.

"Sheriff J.W. Pepper is not everyone's first choice," said a spokesperson for the Mayor of London, Sir Sadiq Kahn. "But we feel that he has the skills, experience and know-how to make London safe once more."

Coming from small town Louisiana, Sheriff Pepper doesn't have a proven track record combatting inner-city crime, gangs and anti-social behaviour, but his experience of helping MI6 bring to justice moonshiners, car thieves, alligators, Dr Kananga and Francisco Scaramanga, will more than make up for it.

Speaking to our reporter, J. W. said he was looking forward to the challenge and added, ""By the powers invested in me by Sir Sadiq Khan, I hereby do commandeer this black cab, and all the goddam limeys within, to help fight crime. And that means you, smart ass."

Image: Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com