Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that he will impose a 20mph speed limit on runways at all London airports.
”The aviation industry is one of the biggest contributors to global warming,” said the diminutive extortionist. “It’s only right that we milk them shamelessly, and claim it’s all to help the environment, or something.”
When one of his advisors pointed out that planes literally have to go faster than 20mph or they can’t generate enough lift to take off, Khan replied “Exactly! Think how much we’ll rake in when every single plane sets off the camera!
”Or if the airlines just decide not to use London airports, then that’ll stop the exodus of rich people from London - it’s win-win.”
However, it’s been pointed out that only two of the so-called “London airports” - London City and Heathrow - are actually in London, and therefore subject to the dictator’s whims. This raises the interesting prospect that the super-rich may have to use Stansted, Luton or even Southend Airport when fleeing the country.
Socialite Iguana del Prada is said to have been “taken aback” when the check-in clerk at Southend greeted her “Awright Princess, just getcher luggage up on the scale then, luv” and frankly insulted by the suggestion she might have packed it herself.
image from pixabay
It was announced today, to general shouts of acclamation, that “the unique way the BBC is funded” will no longer be unique.
From now on, anyone who wants to drive any kind of car will have to pay a monthly fee to Skoda. This will entitle them to drive a Skoda or, if they spend more money, the car they actually want.
“It’s ridiculous,” said one disgruntled motorist. “I realise these days Skodas aren’t the joke they were in the 80s. Well, not quite.
“But why should I have to pay them money when I drive a Volkswagen?”
Nor did he accept the argument that Skodas are “public service cars” that the free market couldn't produce. “If anything, making Skoda the ‘trust fund kid’ that doesn’t have to earn a living only makes them complacent. They’d probably make much better cars if they had to worry about appealing to consumers.”
Along the same lines, it was announced that anyone who wants a mobile phone will have to pay a fee to minor manufacturer Xiaomi, and if you want to read any newspaper you’ll have to pay the Leicester Mercury for the privilege.
For his part, Sadiq Khan was furious that there was a way of screwing money out of motorists he hadn’t thought of himself.