Nominations for House of Lords to include the Mouth of Sauron

As always, the list includes the absolute dregs of humanity and half the cast Gremlins. If there was roll call of morons, this is it. It should be noted, in 2020 House of Lords beat Mos Eisley to the title of most ‘Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy’ for the tenth time.

The nominations will be confirmed once HR has received their character references from Beelzebub. Meanwhile Santa is said to be angry that his Naughty List has been plagiarized.

Said the Mouth: ‘After a lifetime of evil doing, I’m just glad to be spoken of in the same sentence of Paul Dacre. I may be the Mouth of Sauron but he is surely the Anus of Hell.'

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Breaking news - Santa tests positive!

Children the world over are being urged to sanitise their presents and undergo lateral flow tests until the New Year as the North Pole has confirmed that Santa has tested positive following this year's marathon present giving around the planet, according to a SpokesElf today.

'Santa has been particularly careful this year, staying in self isolation in the North Pole for most of it, but has been making guest appearances around the world over the last couple of weeks,' the SpokesElf stated. 'In the main Santa has maintained social distancing, kept his sleigh well ventilated and has undertaken lateral flow tests daily. There was one particularly raucous party in Downing Street a couple of nights ago and Santa thinks that may be where he picked up the virus,' the elf added.

Downing Street denied there had been a party with Santa in attendance, but confirmed there had been a work related gathering. 'In response to unproven criticism over alleged "Secret Santa" events last year we decided to have an overt Santa event, in the interest of transparency,' said a government spokesman today.

A Conservative MP who didn't want to be named 'in case I end up on the naughty list again' said the uproar over Santa's super spreader event was over the top. We have have argued about the excessive impact of elfen safety for years.'

Image: Enrique1967

Minister of Humbug suggests it's now the perfect time to tell the kids Santa doesn't exist	eBook and print versions available now	Government measures force all people to be alive and dead at the same time

M&S to cut Christmas goods to Northern Ireland, but not their mawkish adverts

Under the terms of Brexit retailers have promised the worst of all worlds to Northern Ireland, no shopping but all the annoying paraphernalia, we associate with it. This means plenty of family rows, but this time over presents not given, as opposed to presents that are just unwanted.

A M&S spokeswoman explained: ‘Customers in Belfast will still need to wrap empty boxes. This means spending hours hunting for the sticky tape, constant paper cuts and the obligatory last-minute dash to a service station’.

They will also watch the sentimental M&S advert, which this year features a reindeer on a dialysis machine, Santa struggling with Parkinson’s and a slow acoustic rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘The Number of the Beast’ – sung by Dido.

‘With all our shelves empty, we expect demand to exceed supply. So, we advise queue early, to avoid disappointment’.