Updated: Dec 5, 2021
The UK government has advised parents that due to shortages of everything this Christmas, they need to tell their kids that a critical element of the festive season is total bollocks.
Highly respected Humbug Minister, Jacob Rees Mogg, said 'It's time these revolting urchins belonging to the piffling oik classes were told that the whole Santa/Lapland/reindeer thing is a socialist fantasy perpetrated by woke Marxists within the Labour party.'
Urchins never had toys when I was a young gentleman. They were lucky to find some dog faeces to play with or a dead pigeon to use as a football. Now they seem to think that their lives will be fulfilled by receiving a Lego chimney sweep kit or a Barbie Debtors Prison dolls house for Christmas. Parents must take the brave step of quashing these Xmas dreams underfoot. Our new guidance is that they should be sending their snivelling little toe rags out to work, preferably in a factory making coffin nails or tar or shoe polish. The unwashed progeny of our lower orders can thus replace our unwanted East European labourers and still earn the princely sum of three shillings a day.'