Elf and safety is ho-ho-hopeless as Rudolph makes workplace bullying claim

At a press conference, a lawyer for Rudolph, aka The Red Nosed Reindeer said 'My client has such a shiny nose, you might even say it glows, so he's waived his right to anonymity. Rudolph has suffered from textbook bullying. All of the other reindeer - the Lapland 8 - made fun of him and called him names. They also excluded my client from reindeer games.'  

'Santa did give Rudolph a promotion to "Sleigh Team Leader", but this seems like an attempt to buy my client's silence... although in fairness, it was one foggy Christmas night.'

'In terms of compensation, we think Santa's Coca-Cola money should keep Rudolph in carrots. He should never have to guide a sleigh around the world at unsafe speeds in the icy depths of December, ever again.' 

Photo by Osman Rana on Unsplash

Warning Children may lose millions of mince pies and carrots over Xmas in scams

The government has issued a warning that children need to be on their guard over the festive period, as scams aimed at gaining mince pies and carrots are launched by parents across the country. This is according to the intelligence agency GCHQ. It says 3 to 12-year-olds are most likely to fall victim.

The National Cyber Security Centre is warning that increasingly sophisticated methods are being used to produce more convincing sooty footprints on old sheets, fake notes from Santa and sleigh bell noises.

Two children who can’t be named for legal reasons, Simon and Samantha Giles of 23, Gloucester Road, Kingston-upon Thames, lost mince pies and carrots after leaving them out last year, believing them to be for Santa and Rudolf. It has now become apparent that the presents they received in return may not have come from the genuine Father Christmas but instead were supplied by Amazon, according their mother’s browsing history. This raises all sorts of questions about just who took a bites out of the carrot and pie, and who drank the two glasses of whiskey left by the fireplace.

The children believe they were tricked into leaving out the items on Christmas Eve, and that their parents may have used "reverse psychology" on them just to get extra pies, carrots and whiskey over the festive period.

"They made us feel guilty for not leaving stuff out... that's what made us feel like we could believe them, because we didn’t want to let Santa and Rudolf down. And what about all the other reindeer? No wonder they wouldn't let Rudolf join in with all their reindeer games if he scoffed all the carrots! Now we think about it, Santa and Rudolf would not have time to stop and eat all the food and drinks left for them in every house, and still deliver presents. What’s more they would both be morbidly obese, and pissed as farts.

'If parents really believe this tosh to be true, no wonder they voted for Brexit, and abided by Covid restrictions.'

Photo by Srikanta H. U on Unsplash

Grandad's Santa performance at primary school nominated for a BAFTA

Eric Siddings, 66, has been nominated for a BAFTA after producing a career defining performance as Santa at the local primary school.

'My last acting gig was aged ten as a surprisingly smooth-chinned Jesus at the school performance of the Last Supper,' said Siddings at a press conference today.  'I used my own beard,' the grey-chinned retired project manager added.  He explained how he'd stopped trimming his beard for the last two months, smoothing it down with engine oil in an attempt to ensure the children at the school didn't work out his ruse when he collected his grandchildren. 

'On the day of the performance I went full method, bulking myself with a folded one-tog duvet around the midriff and spiking my beard with lard from the fridge to access my inner Michael Sheen,' he said.  Early reviews included three children who had changed their mind about the existence of Santa, two who did believe reconsidering and an unknown number understood to be consulting with their legal teams.  Apparently, Christmas Day presents from Santa will determine whether multiple breaches of contract will be submitted.

'I think it went rather well,' said Siddings, shrugging the red suit off.  'I hope so because I don't want to spend the next fifty years waiting for the phone to ring.'