Satan shocked by Post Office actions

Satan, the Chair and Chief Executive of Hell, is shocked by the Post Office’s actions in prosecuting sub-postmasters and expressed sympathy with victims of the scandal and their families. 

He says that he originally believed that the British Post Office was managing the prosecutions ‘competently and honestly’. Over time, however, it became clear that they had ‘cocked it all up, big time’.

The Prince of Darkness sent us the following statement from his hotmail account.

‘I am shocked by the Post Office's actions in prosecuting so many innocent people. It is right that there is a public inquiry to investigate and I hope that their report will add to my limited understanding of what has happened.

‘When people pass on, I do get first dibs on anyone who has been to prison, or has a criminal conviction. I’ve been sent a number of sub-postmasters on this basis, but frankly, they have wasted my time. They were all good, kind and well meaning people – pillars of their community – and exactly the sort of folk that make me feel physically ill. There’s no way that I can let them into Hell. They would be a total buzz kill. I sent them all upstairs.'

Image: Photo by Vitaliy Shevchenko on Unsplash

At least they stopped calling me Keith, says Sir Kid Starver

Friends of Keir Starmer have hailed his new rebrand as a triumph for 'sensible' politics and rickets. Having dismissed any pledge to tackle child poverty, Sir Keir went on to say he would happily strangle puppies provided Twitter stops calling him Keith.

An aide commented: 'When Thatcher got labelled a milk snatcher, it didn't hurt her image - everyone already thought she was Satan incarnate. Keir's biggest problem is being called boring, so killing kids should make him a real Edge Lord.'

The aide insisted that kids dying of malnutrition was a load of fuss about nothing. 'The simplest way for a child to avoid poverty is to purchase shares in the NHS, once we've finished privatising it.'

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'Stoppit!' Satan demands of Putin

This morning, Vladimir Putin was presented with a Cease and Desist demand from the Prince of Darkness himself – Satan – following the Russian despot's increased threats of launching his new nuclear missiles, nicknamed “The Satan 2”.

‘I’m absolutely miffed,’ claimed the ruler of Hell. ‘For years – for millennia, really – I’ve been completely misunderstood and totally misrepresented.

‘I’m not a bad guy.’ He went on ‘I give people what they want. You want money, come to me. You want fame, glory, anything fun. If you want any of the stuff that puts a smile on your face, I’ll give it to you. All I ask in return is for your eternal soul, but what’s that compared to gold wallpaper or a swimming pool in your garden?

‘I’m the fun uncle! But now this bloke has started flashing around this great bloody rocket that could destroy the world, and he’s slapped my bloody name on it! I don’t need or want that sort of publicity – I certainly don’t want to be associated with the end of the world. I can’t rule it if it’s destroyed, can I?’

A spokesman for the Devil has stated that if the Russian President does not issue an apology to Mr Satan, they will sue him for defamation of character.