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February Horoscopes by Mystic Max


Aries


The Great Bear is prominent in your chart this month. Resist the urge to streak at work.


Taurus


You will have an absolute belter of a month in February. An absolute corker! Make the most of it because everything goes downhill from there.


Gemini


An unexpected sequence of wardrobe malfunctions on the crowded 07:36 from Shawford has introduced you to a whole new social world, and a much more racy alternative to doing the crossword on the journey. We have obtained pictures and CCTV footage: expect us to contact you soon with regards 'reputation protection’.


Cancer


Great news! You can't put a foot wrong. Everything turns out well.


So if you could pass this on to your next door neighbours, that would be great. They don't read NewsBiscuit.


Thanks for that.



Leo


The Leper-King has wrested the Crown of Sighs from the House of Corrunel. The White Prince challenges the Were-lords of Shaddack whilst the sceptre of Yaros has been found in ruined Elbreth.


Pick the bones out of that if you can - I think it has something to do with your nan's bunions, but I'm pissing in the dark here.


This second-rate sub-"Game of Thrones" parody-bollocks is what passes as celestial guidance these days, honestly, we would be better off with an infinite number of monkeys.


Virgo


Virgos are often described as hardworking and practical, which are qualities that can be beneficial in leadership roles. But only if you don't keep dithering, Keir!


Libra


Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest.


Scorpio


Being typical of your sign, you are stubborn, headstrong and steer you own course through life.


Make up your own prediction, then ignore it, and save me the bother. Repeat next month. Sorted.


Sagittarius


That million pound lottery ticket that you can't find is in the back pocket of your jeans ... that you put in the wash yesterday. Who knows, you may be lucky twice. It may still be intact. 


Capricorn


A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.


Aquarius


Alas, the tall, dark, handsome stranger coming into your life will be employed by the local Court bailiffs. His brooding good looks and smouldering eyes will not really compensate for the loss of your 80" flat screen TV


Pisces


Your attempt to create a new clothing fashion will flounder badly. No-one is ready for crotchless lambswool biker chaps over spandex on the daily commute. Best stick with shabby chic or, in your case, just shabby.



Authors


Deskpilot: Aries


Flasharry: Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius


Lockjaw: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces


Simonjjames: Libra


Activists hack online text-based applications, replacing the word ‘Trump’ with ‘Fart’


The internet was briefly plunged into chaos earlier today after an anonymous group of activists successfully hacked online text-based applications worldwide, causing every instance of the word ‘Trump’ to be automatically replaced with the word ‘Fart’. The edit came with an added flourish: a thunderous farting sound blasting from phones, laptops, e-readers, and even office printers.


The hack spared no one - social media posts, news articles, legal briefs and even children’s homework erupted in synchronized flatulence. Across the world, buses, trains, shopping malls and even libraries reverberated with a chorus of loud, wet fart noises, which sounded as if they had been recorded during a gastrointestinal emergency.


The situation reached DEFCON brown when President Trump attempted to condemn the hack via his platform, Truth Social. Instead of a stern rebuke, his followers were greeted with a post which read: “Fart, fart, FART, fart, FAKE NEWS, fart, fart, BIGLY FART,” each word accompanied by the deafening sound of explosive diarrhoea, which reportedly caused several phones to vibrate off tables. Supporters described Trump’s post as ‘surprising, but on-brand’.


The activists later issued a statement explaining that the stunt was designed to ‘illustrate, in the simplest possible terms, that President Trump talks out of his anus and is full of crap’. Many political commentators praised the group for ‘effectively matching tone to content’.

Although cybersecurity experts quickly fixed the breach and restored the word ‘Trump’ to its less flatulent spelling, critics argue that the damage lingers. “The hack is gone,” one observer said, “but Trump’s words still carry a persistent whiff of bullshit.”



Official Russian death toll in Ukraine rises to three


The Russian defence ministry has dismissed 'outrageous claims' from the Centre for Strategic Studies that the Russian army has lost 1.2 million troops in the special military operation in Ukraine.


A spokesman confirmed, 'Only three Russian soldiers have died, and in each case it was their own fault.  One other soldier has injured his leg after slipping in some mud, in a trap set up by saboteurs.  Beyond that, everything continues to go very well indeed. As you Yankees say, we're having a blast.'



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