Fascists: an apology

NewsBiscuit would like to apologise to all racists, xenophobes, far-right groups and those who bankroll them for describing them accurately.

We have listened to their sobs and now realise that calling a fascist a fascist is hurtful. Although they might hurl words like ‘snowflake’ around like, erm, snowflakes they are really very sensitive souls who have reached late middle age and realised that their lives haven’t turned out quite as imagined. This makes them vulnerable and we should all stop picking on them. Their disappointing career progression/house/wife probably is the fault of immigrants/the ECHR/Muslims/wokery – and nothing to do with being of moderate intelligence and work ethic in a flat economy.

We also understand that some far-right leaders might not be true believers, but innocent grifters trying to make an honest buck – well, a legal-ish buck – out of the simple faithful. Rather like a mediaeval bishop living in a palace paid for by peasants. To these people also we apologise. You may have riches on earth but if there is even the faintest glimmer of an afterlife you’re fucked. In all holes. Probably simultaneously.

If you’ve been affected by media criticism of far-right political organisations please don’t call our helpline. Instead, get a grip, stop buying that ridiculous ‘newspaper’ you clutch each morning on the way back from the shops and travel further than the end of your street. Oh, and check a calendar - World War 2 ended before you were born, you weren't there.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Warning Children may lose millions of mince pies and carrots over Xmas in scams

The government has issued a warning that children need to be on their guard over the festive period, as scams aimed at gaining mince pies and carrots are launched by parents across the country. This is according to the intelligence agency GCHQ. It says 3 to 12-year-olds are most likely to fall victim.

The National Cyber Security Centre is warning that increasingly sophisticated methods are being used to produce more convincing sooty footprints on old sheets, fake notes from Santa and sleigh bell noises.

Two children who can’t be named for legal reasons, Simon and Samantha Giles of 23, Gloucester Road, Kingston-upon Thames, lost mince pies and carrots after leaving them out last year, believing them to be for Santa and Rudolf. It has now become apparent that the presents they received in return may not have come from the genuine Father Christmas but instead were supplied by Amazon, according their mother’s browsing history. This raises all sorts of questions about just who took a bites out of the carrot and pie, and who drank the two glasses of whiskey left by the fireplace.

The children believe they were tricked into leaving out the items on Christmas Eve, and that their parents may have used "reverse psychology" on them just to get extra pies, carrots and whiskey over the festive period.

"They made us feel guilty for not leaving stuff out... that's what made us feel like we could believe them, because we didn’t want to let Santa and Rudolf down. And what about all the other reindeer? No wonder they wouldn't let Rudolf join in with all their reindeer games if he scoffed all the carrots! Now we think about it, Santa and Rudolf would not have time to stop and eat all the food and drinks left for them in every house, and still deliver presents. What’s more they would both be morbidly obese, and pissed as farts.

'If parents really believe this tosh to be true, no wonder they voted for Brexit, and abided by Covid restrictions.'

Photo by Srikanta H. U on Unsplash

You’d be a millionaire with a huge penis if you weren’t so suspicious all the time

You’re a suspicious bastard. There’s a DHL delivery guy actually crying because his van is full of things which you haven’t arranged collection of. Just click the link, dumbo! It’s probably gifts from an anonymous admirer.

Numerous Nigerian princes have died never knowing that there was no way to repatriate their fortune because of your – what? Xenophobia? Racism? We’re one big world my friend, don’t let your prejudices get in the way. Their nephews even write IN CAPITAL LETTERS to assure you of their sincerity – but still you turn your back on them.

Your – frankly, quite average - penis could be truly massive if only you could be bothered to click a little ad and send a few bank details. Speaking of which, hot women in your area are still lonely – think what a difference you could have made with your improved todger.

All this misery is because of your fears. Yes, you read that right – you’re afraid. Embrace life. Earn that Nigerian fortune. Sleep with beautiful yet unaccountably lonely women in your area, confident that your man sausage won’t be embarrassing. Just sign up for my course and soon you’ll be saying YES to a brighter future. All it takes is a little trust and some payment information.

Rishi Sunak

Image: useche70 - Pixabay

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