Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools

The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues.

The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t know what it is. They’ve never seen it and don’t know how to treat it.'

Jessica, who lives in Greenwich with her two primary school-age children, told the BBC: 'It’s a real issue. It’s heart-breaking when your youngest child says "Mummy, will the rain take me away when I’m asleep?" But many children around here have never seen rain and the stories they hear about it play into their primeval fears.'

The Government advice includes not staring at the rain, not making sudden gestures in its presence and the use of trees – those that are still alive – for shelter. Older staff at the Meteorological Office also recommend putting household plants outside, as if making an offering to the rain gods. 'I remember my gran doing this,' said one staffer, wiping away a tear.

Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash

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Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.

Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution.  Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least.  Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.

‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.

‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools.  Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since.  We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams.  When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.

The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.

image from Google Gemini

St Winifred's School Choir declared a terrorist organisation

In a move widely thought mentally doubtful, the UK government has declared St Winifred's School Choir a terrorist organisation, for refusing to sing 'Ode to Netanyahu'. Anyone suspected of thinking of attending gatherings, or showing any form of support for the choir faces arrest, standard beatings, a fine of $10 million, and an automatic life sentence without judge or jury.

Missing the bigger picture and questioning why the fine is in US Dollars, a right-wing impartial news broadcaster was informed that it was because that is the standard currency for supplying black market weapons to Israel.

In another ruling, 'Sh*t Your F**cking B*tch Up', a far-right potty-mouthed rap song by the group M*therf**cking C**nts, known to incite hate and violence, has been declared compulsory curriculum learning at nursery schools under the Freedom of Expression Act.

Asking why they had to sing the rap every morning, Oliver (aged 3) was informed by a Downing Street spokesperson stepping out of the crayon cupboard, 'Because we were told to - by a lobbyist for the crazy rich under the government's super-secret but patently obvious cash-for-batshit-policies scheme.'

Picture credit: Wix AI