St Winifred's School Choir declared a terrorist organisation

In a move widely thought mentally doubtful, the UK government has declared St Winifred's School Choir a terrorist organisation, for refusing to sing 'Ode to Netanyahu'. Anyone suspected of thinking of attending gatherings, or showing any form of support for the choir faces arrest, standard beatings, a fine of $10 million, and an automatic life sentence without judge or jury.

Missing the bigger picture and questioning why the fine is in US Dollars, a right-wing impartial news broadcaster was informed that it was because that is the standard currency for supplying black market weapons to Israel.

In another ruling, 'Sh*t Your F**cking B*tch Up', a far-right potty-mouthed rap song by the group M*therf**cking C**nts, known to incite hate and violence, has been declared compulsory curriculum learning at nursery schools under the Freedom of Expression Act.

Asking why they had to sing the rap every morning, Oliver (aged 3) was informed by a Downing Street spokesperson stepping out of the crayon cupboard, 'Because we were told to - by a lobbyist for the crazy rich under the government's super-secret but patently obvious cash-for-batshit-policies scheme.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

You know the school holidays have started when...

• When all the shops that sell school uniforms are urging parents to purchase September's clothing ahead of the annual growth spurt.  You'll just have to guess what size the ankle-snappers will squeeze into in six, seven weeks time because in September the shops will be full of ski wear and winter tops for the New Year's bash.  Make sure you pick up their Halloween outfits at the same time as their oversized uniforms, because all that will be left at the end of the school holidays will be Boris Johnson and Michael Gove masks left over from the lock-down Halloween sales. 

• When all the roads are incredibly quiet.  Apart from the roads leading to the coast, ports, North, South, East and West.  They'll be log-jammed for at least eight weeks, until the final British holidaymaker is forcibly repatriated by Haven Resorts.

  
  

• When sales of Union Flag sleeveless tops soar in specific seaside resorts, along with Nazi tattoos and far right hatred, which apparently can be purchased in bottle form, useful for filling with stolen petrol for throwing at police vehicles.  Outrage, like child growth, also increases exponentially at this time.  Allow for full meltdown on Twitter by the second week.  It's probably in full meltdown in the first week, but you'll be too busy buying school uniforms and won't notice.

• When Nigel Farage appears on any remotely topical political TV show, despite only having four (at time of writing, could be less by now) MPs, fewer than practically every other political party, and none of which we ever see. Despite being platformed, he won't answer any policy questions and nobody, but no-bloody-body will ask him how Brexit is doing.

Correction, the fourth point is true all year round.  Unfortunately.

Popular teacher sacked for controversial opinions

It has been confirmed that Mr Larry Ginneper, a popular teacher at Broomfield Bridge Comprehensive (BBC) has been sacked after repeatedly sharing his controversial opinions on social media.

Mr Ginneper's position at the BBC has been under scrutiny as he had authored posts on Twitter and Bluesky which, among other things, suggest that Brexit was a mistake, pumping sewage into lakes and rivers is a bad thing, transgender people deserve equal rights and having a diverse population is a good thing.

Even though he didn't bring any of these subjects into the classroom and was a consummate professional when working, angry parents - but also a load of people who don't actually have kids at the school, but read about it on the Daily Mail website - demanded his immediate dismissal. Despite the fact he was popular with his students and fellow teachers, BBC headmaster Mr David Timothy asked Mr Ginneper toleave.

'Mr Ginneper has proven himself time and again to be intelligent, personable and easygoing, all of which served him very well as a teacher,' Mr Timothy said in a statement.

'He has overseen an increase in the GCSE pass rate for his class of 30%, and he has the highest rate of students who go on to university. Honestly, pretty much every student who's ever been in his class has spoken highly of him, and he's helped some troubled kids to turn their lives around. However, his idea of what is a valid opinion differs from what is considered acceptable at the moment, and since the school is now in a Reform UK constituency he simply had to go.'

Naturally, the people who wanted him sacked still aren't happy, and are demanding to be allowed to tar and feather him on the way out.

Picture credit: Wix AI