Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.

Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution.  Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least.  Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.

‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.

‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools.  Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since.  We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams.  When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.

The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.

image from Google Gemini

St Winifred's School Choir declared a terrorist organisation

In a move widely thought mentally doubtful, the UK government has declared St Winifred's School Choir a terrorist organisation, for refusing to sing 'Ode to Netanyahu'. Anyone suspected of thinking of attending gatherings, or showing any form of support for the choir faces arrest, standard beatings, a fine of $10 million, and an automatic life sentence without judge or jury.

Missing the bigger picture and questioning why the fine is in US Dollars, a right-wing impartial news broadcaster was informed that it was because that is the standard currency for supplying black market weapons to Israel.

In another ruling, 'Sh*t Your F**cking B*tch Up', a far-right potty-mouthed rap song by the group M*therf**cking C**nts, known to incite hate and violence, has been declared compulsory curriculum learning at nursery schools under the Freedom of Expression Act.

Asking why they had to sing the rap every morning, Oliver (aged 3) was informed by a Downing Street spokesperson stepping out of the crayon cupboard, 'Because we were told to - by a lobbyist for the crazy rich under the government's super-secret but patently obvious cash-for-batshit-policies scheme.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

You know the school holidays have started when...

• When all the shops that sell school uniforms are urging parents to purchase September's clothing ahead of the annual growth spurt.  You'll just have to guess what size the ankle-snappers will squeeze into in six, seven weeks time because in September the shops will be full of ski wear and winter tops for the New Year's bash.  Make sure you pick up their Halloween outfits at the same time as their oversized uniforms, because all that will be left at the end of the school holidays will be Boris Johnson and Michael Gove masks left over from the lock-down Halloween sales. 

• When all the roads are incredibly quiet.  Apart from the roads leading to the coast, ports, North, South, East and West.  They'll be log-jammed for at least eight weeks, until the final British holidaymaker is forcibly repatriated by Haven Resorts.

  
  

• When sales of Union Flag sleeveless tops soar in specific seaside resorts, along with Nazi tattoos and far right hatred, which apparently can be purchased in bottle form, useful for filling with stolen petrol for throwing at police vehicles.  Outrage, like child growth, also increases exponentially at this time.  Allow for full meltdown on Twitter by the second week.  It's probably in full meltdown in the first week, but you'll be too busy buying school uniforms and won't notice.

• When Nigel Farage appears on any remotely topical political TV show, despite only having four (at time of writing, could be less by now) MPs, fewer than practically every other political party, and none of which we ever see. Despite being platformed, he won't answer any policy questions and nobody, but no-bloody-body will ask him how Brexit is doing.

Correction, the fourth point is true all year round.  Unfortunately.