Prime Minister triumphant after by-election landslide

The Prime Minister was reported to be ‘cock-a-hoop’ after the result of yesterday’s by-election was announced. He has been quoted as saying:-

“This is a great result for me, and also possibly for the Tory party. All those prophets of doom – so-called journalists, Tory back benchers, The Chancellor, people with integrity etc. etc. – have been proved utterly and completely wrong. I congratulate whoever won (I’ve temporarily forgotten his name), wherever it was.

Our candidate won 84% of the vote! And where did the Labour and Liberal Democrats come? Nowhere!!

To use of a phrase of a great Conservative icon, I promised that Boris’ll fix it and I have!

There have been some irresponsible comments recently that 100% correct facts that I stated in Parliament were somewhat misleading. All I did was suggest that the Rt. Honourable Leader of the Opposition was an odious kiddy-fiddling spawn of Satan who was personally responsible for Jack the Ripper not being prosecuted. This of course was pure Parliamentary cut-and-thrust and banter. It was nothing personal and I have graciously accepted Kier’s apology.

Anyway, onwards and upwards! Rejoice!! The Bozza is back!!! Let the partying begin!!!!”

Breaking news - Sir Keir Starmer 'killed Bambi's mother and stole Christmas claims Johnson

by demnicgroin

Shouting over his shoulder at opposition MPs while sprinting round the House of Commons to escape members of the Metropolitan Police, Boris Johnson today made a number of devastating claims about his opposite number in the House, Sir Keir Starmer. Among the claims made by Mr. Johnson were that Sir Keir 'did it and ran away', 'both smelt it and dealt it', and 'broke up the Beatles by being Yoko Ono'.

Critics of the Prime Minister countered by suggesting that Mr. Johnson might be making wild unsubstantiated allegations purely in order to distract attention from growing public anger over the number of illegal parties held at Number Ten, Downing Street during lockdown, to which Mr. Johnson riposted: 'Look over there, it's the Loch Ness Monster! Keir Starmer is the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot! You'll never take me alive, copper!'

Dominic Cummings was available for comment, but we felt dirty talking to him.

Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer's ‘essay’

Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man's struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is - 'They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem'.

Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.

His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron's manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title 'Starmer: My life in the House of Lords'.