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With Reform leader Nigel Farage finally admitting he received £5 million from a foreign/not-foreign billionaire donor, the betting industry is putting the odds to what reason will stick when the story eventually gets oxygen.


'Obviously he forgot he was paid £5 million,' said a betting expert, 'or he remembered but forgot that he was obliged to declare the donation,' he added.  'He might have remembered to forget, but that's at 300/1,' he added.


'Nonsense,' declared another betting expert, 'it was obviously an inadvertent oversight,'  he said.  'Not like Starmer's glasses.  Anyone could see through them,' he pointed out.


'I think you'll find he has no case to answer, everybody gets gifts all the time.  Most people don't declare them,' said a Reform spokesman, while admitting he didn't know the first thing about betting.  'By betting, is that the same as saying certain things that people have paid you to say?' he asked, 'like Nathan Gill, who none of us actually knew, those photos are clearly fake,' he added..


'It was clearly an oversight and all taxes will be paid eventually, if they have to,' declared Richard Tice before retracting the statement.  'Sorry, I thought you were asking about my finances.  Obviously I won't pay my taxes, but I'm sure something else will distract from them, like Nigel's bribe,'  he said.





"A lot of people have begged us not to go," chief raven Odin told reporters as he leafed through a brochure for holidays on the Algarve. "They think that if we leave the Tower, the kingdom will topple.


"But I reckon the UK's pretty much ready to go, anyway. The monarch has been reduced to some kind of court entertainer for Donald Trump. Britain's armed forces are no longer strong enough to defend a sandcastle. And Rachel Reeves can't ask for a single extra fiver from the financial markets without there being a massive run on the pound.


Added to that, there's every chance that Keir Starmer will be ousted and replaced as PM after the May elections by Angela Gawd-Help-Us Rayner.


"We don't have to put up with this. We're sinister, dark-hearted creatures and we're going somewhere we can have a future - a place where unprincipled rogues can walk tall and prosper, no matter how evil they are.


"That's right. We're flying off to live on the ramparts of the Kremlin along with our new ravenmaster, Moscow Nige."





Seeing how Sir Keir Starmer and his fellow hitmen in Downing Street have killed off civil servants' careers while consistently saying they were following "full due process", Hollywood studios have bought the words to use in remakes of their most violent "pop-a-cap-in-his-ass" flicks.


"'Full due process' has become a death sentence for anyone in British politics who No. 10 decides to blame for the Mandelson fiasco," said a Hollywood spokes-mogul. "These words are chilling, even when a pettifogging lawyer like Starmer says them."


Here's a sneak preview of what the new films will be like:


PLP (Parliamentary Labour Party) Fiction


A gangster (Jules, played by Starmer) is on the verge of executing a terrified Sir Olly Robbins


"And I will execute great vengeance upon them with full due process; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."



Apocalypse Now (in the local elections)


A dazed Caption Marlow (played by Morgan McSweeney) has been dragged into a lunch with US generals and CIA goons


GENERAL: Find Kurtz and terminate him.


CIA GOON: Terminate with full due process.



Starmerface 


A treacherous civil servant (Sir Olly Robbins) is on his knees in front of Starmer and pleading for his life


STARMER: Manny! Ice that son of a bitch, with full due process.



"We're also thinking of making a new film about Jack the Ripper," continued the spokes-focus puller. "I bet he also went about finishing off his victims with 'full due process'."




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