Mandelson "just a political stunt", insists Prime Minister

Sir Keir Starmer has been resisting pressure for a parliamentary inquiry into his handling of the Mandelson affair by dismissing the former ambassador as "just a poltical stunt".

"This is games playing by the Conservatives," the PM's office told the media. "The Prime Minister has no intention of appearing before a Commons committee on account of a Machiavellian stunt like Peter."

Several cabinet minister still loyal to Starmer appeared on morning news programmes also to declare that the long-standing Labour grandee was, and always had been, a political stunt.

"This doesn't add up," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch.

"If the PM was aware that Mandelson was a complete stunt, then why did he appoint him US ambassador in the first place?"

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Starmer makes a dis statement outside Number 10

The UK Prime Minister, wearing some clip-on sunglasses fixed over his spectacles, read out a carefully crafted dis.

“'n response to The Notorious DJTs recent comments about us not helping them with an illegal war, I will quote what he said recently about our troops in Afghanistan, we’d only just end up staying a little back, a little off the front lines, so why should we bother? Remember, we’re not dealing with a Roosevelt here.'

He carefully placed the mic on the floor and strolled away from the podium, whilst Trump exploded the UK economy behind him.

UK to unleash its top drone in Iran conflict

"In times of war, this is the most effective weapon at Britain's disposal," said a Ministry of Defence spokes-ammunition dump.

'It can throw cold water on any conflict and overwhelm every aggressor out there with feelings of stultifying weariness and lethargy.

'Developed out of the dessicated remnants of a crashingly boring lawyer, we have codenamed our drone the Keir Starmer.

'It can drone for hours on end in the Commons without getting tired of itself, invoking this or that tedious rule for precisely when and why UK overseas military bases can or cannot be used by the US.

'We will now deploy the Keir on the world stage, to drone on at fellow politicians in the Middle East and in the UN Security Council.

'If all goes well, the Keir drone will have the same effect on Trump, Netanyahu and the Iranian leadership as it has had on the UK public over the past two years - filling them with an irresistible urge to yawn loudly, stop doing whatever they were doing and just sit on their sofas staring blankly at the wall.

'And we give these world leaders fair warning: in full drone mode, Sir Keir can be almost lethally dull.'

Meanwhile, human rights groups in the UK protested that for the past two years, the British government has been using the Keir drone on its own people.