World’s biggest ever rocket aims to prove Elon Musk’s ego isn’t visible from space

SpaceX plans to launch the world’s biggest ever rocket in a laughable attempt to prove once and for all that Elon Musk’s overblown sense of self importance isn’t actually detectable from orbit.

The huge launch device known as Mikok 1 should thrust upwards into the moist Texan atmosphere, carrying a payload of highly sophisticated optical instruments, including the world’s biggest set of reverse binoculars.

A team of the company’s top space scientists and sycophants will continue to go over the meticulously planned launch, covering every facet of the rocket’s expected trajectory in minute detail. A difficult operation made all the more treacherous as mission critical staff kept getting fired via their Twitter accounts at random intervals.

The project was conceived in 2021 after two other pointless billionaires, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson both put their lives where their money was and blasted into orbit from the safety of a well set up TV studio, which was only slightly more convincing than Channel 4’s 2005 series, Space Cadets.

It is hoped that the success of this mission will enable SpaceX to continue deeper into the cosmos, where Mr Musk is believed to be in heated discussions with God’s legal representatives about a potential hostile takeover of monotheism.

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'Why can't we re-name our planets?' asks Isle of Wight man

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'If chocolate bars like Marathon can be re-named, why can't planets?' asked Martin Ambleside from Shanklin, during a book signing by TV's mega astronomer Professor Brian Cox.

'We've got Mars, which is fine. So why can't we have Crunchie, Picnic, Topic, Yorkie, Caramac and Aero in place of Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune?' suggested Mr. Ambleside amid laughter form people in the queue.

The question seemed to take the ever-smiling super stargazer by surprise momentarily before he quipped, 'Hmm... good idea, but change like that Twix time, and anyway, don't we already have the Milky Bar?'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/wikiimages-1897/

NASA planning 'completely woke' crew for first moon landing

After planning the most diverse space crew since Star Trek: the Next Generation, with four semi-geriatrics covering both male and female astronauts and including a first for a moon mission: a person of colour and, controversially, a Canadian, though not necessarily the same person, NASA has now outlined its plans for Artemis 3 which will land a crew of four-ish on the surface of the moon.

'We intend to select talented non-binary, gender fluid individuals who have interesting, if incomprehensible, pronouns,' stated a NASA spokesperson, who answered to the pronoun s(he), or 'Them' for short. 'We've reached out to the LGBTQαβγ∆ρσ+ community, essentially the brightest non-binary personnel we have access to,' added the spokeswhatsit. 'The watchword is woke, and we're going where no Murdock newspaper has ever gone before,' the representative stated firmly, but without causing offence, obviously.

The spokewibble admitted that the Artemis 3 mission will rely on essentially a giant phallic shaped rocket funded by the least woke, essentially misogynistic owner of SpaceX, admitting it looked like a giant cock. 'As does the rocket,' he/she,them added.

Image:Pixabay/WikiImages