Warning: this live report contains harrowing scenes which some might find discombobulating...
A man from Bracknell is in the early stages of what should be an epic and satisfying bowel transference event at home. In the last few seconds, however, a large spider has made its presence known.
Until this moment, Barry Trent's bathroom has been a porcelain temple of tranquillity and a safe space for enjoying the simple pleasures of natural bodily function. But now the unthinkable scenario has occurred mid-lay into two days' stock of backed up cable, forcing an involuntary early crimping.
Due to Barry's intense arachnophobia, the spider - roughly the size of a coaster - appears like it could easily juggle shampoo bottles. Under any other circumstance he would have bolted out of the door, screaming like a windmilling banshee. But this specific predicament is the stuff of his worst nightmares and he is instantly too petrified to initiate a flight response.
Evacuation is not an option. And neither is continuation to any satisfying conclusion. Had the encounter occurred in, say, the bedroom, then he would have shat himself, ironically. But now he is plagued by the horror of poopants, and never being able to return to his only toilet. He's going to have to finish this excretion in the garden in front of the neighbours, isn't he?
Oh God, it just moved. And it's coming his way. Not just poopants, poo everything. Unhelpfully, this report ends here because Barry has passed out.
