Batman is to be new James Bond

In a move that has set the world of superheroes reeling, Barbra Broccoli, long-time Bond producer and custodian of the James Bond brand, has announced that Batman is to be the new James Bond, taking over from Daniel Craig.

The announcement was made after an intense weekend of auditions at a secret location in southeast London which led to headlines like Broccoli to Brockley.

The caped crusader beat off competition from the likes of Callum Turner, Jack Lowden and Josh O'Connor, leaving those who had wanted the first black Bond bitterly disappointed.

On hearing he was successful Batman said: 'I've been an admirer of James' work for many years, particularly the strides he has made in tackling those who would threaten to blow up Earth itself. It is an honour to take up the mantle.'

Others are not so happy. Spiderman, Superman and the Hulk issued a joint statement saying: 'We deplore one of our number going to the other side like this, chasing the Amazon dollar [Amazon now has creative control of the Bond franchise]. We are also very sorry to report that Batman's faithful partner Robin has gone straight into therapy.'

Meanwhile, how Batman will use Bond's most famous phrase remains a closely guarded secret. Perhaps simply: 'The name's 'man. Batman.'

Image: WixAI

‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin

A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives.

‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’.

Master race enthusiasts have launched a recruitment drive to attract members with jobs and teeth, preferably family men who don’t need to dress up as Spider-man because their kids have been taken away. It isn’t going well.

‘There’s a lot of competition’, the spokesman said. ‘The happy ones don’t feel the need to show the world how superior they are, and as for the disillusioned, the embittered, life’s failures – well, the ones who can write go to PE Teacher Training College. That leaves us with – you can see what it leaves us with. A good bunch of lads, ready for a ruck, but not exactly PE teacher material’.

Are you a member of the Master Race? Are you inexplicably free during the working day? Well-balanced and psychologically stable yet enjoy throwing bins at police officers? Maybe you could volunteer at a far-right party in your neighbourhood. PE teachers and other woke intellectuals need not apply.

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