World Cup: Trump to score winning goal

Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup.  If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game.  The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal.  If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks.

Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is hard enough to get over the goal line.  His trainers told him ‘it’s like golf, but the ball is bigger, and you hit it with your leg’.  His handlers have decided against trying to explain the offside rule, as nothing about the President is ever off.  And rules are, in any case, a flexible concept.  MAGA supporters have secretly donated millions of dollars to pay off the goalie of the other team, to ensure that the President’s shot will hit the back of the net.

The Goal Scorer in Chief as he dubbed himself, is confident he will be the hero of the World Cup.  MAGA members are clearing the way – denying visas to key trainers on opposing teams, making the Iran team do day trips from Mexico, feeding foreign players lots of Bud Lite, that sort of thing.  He is particularly looking forward to awarding himself a winners medal, which will be much bigger and shinier than all the other winners medals.

When asked if he’d prefer to make the winning touchdown at the Superbowl he turned it down. Explaining, ‘The Superbowl is two genuine all-American teams slugging it out in a very American way.  As President, I couldn’t join one American team to play against another.  Not unless one team was from a staunchly Republican state and the opposition were lily-livered Democrats.  I could easier score the winning touchdown, but I wouldn’t want to divide the nation.  Not again.  But I am ready to win the World Cup for the USA.  It will be fair payback for all the effort we’ve put in to shaft the fans on ticket prices, rail fares and bottled water.’

Our guide to the Grand National runners 2026

As the evenings lighten, the attention of the horse racing community turns to Aintree, and the traditional competition to provide the most ludicrously-named entry in this year's Grand National. Bet on any of these at your own risk...

Over by Easter  

An American nag, much-hyped but seems not to know where the winning post is, so not expected to finish as fast as the owners suggest. High likelihood of casualties. 1000-1

Over a Barrel

Middle Eastern rival to Over by Easter, a little slow out of the gate but looks to have staying power. Blinkered worldview limits popularity though. 50-1

Mission Accomplished

According to his owner, this horse has already won the Grand National, and will continue to win the race on a daily basis until well into 2027. The horse has blinkers, so that it can't see all the mad and ridiculous stuff that's going on around it. 200-1

Tesco Ready Meal

Very long odds on this one. The horse is past its prime and betting is focussing on how far round it will get before the inevitable visit from a friendly vet with a double-barrelled shotgun. Sired by Everyday Essentials Lasagne out of Nagetti Bolognese. 2000-1

Thames Water 

A controversial entry that has already been fined for leaking its own stamina. Spectators are advised to stay upwind, as the jockey is easily identifiable in his signature 'all-brown' silks—which the owners insist are 'organic highlights' and definitely not a discharge violation. 100-1

Keir Today Gone Tomorrow

The bookies' favourite for the first half of the race, despite having the largest handicap in the field. Statistically impressive but tactically baffling, this horse has started nine races and finished none. It is famous for sprinting with immense conviction toward the first hurdle before performing a graceful U-turn and galloping back to the start to explain its ‘new direction’ to the disappointed punters. 200-1

Fly me to the Moon

At $4bn probably the most expensive horse in the race this year, and with an eye-catching strategy to slingshot into the final furlong using only gravity, and its rear thrusters - that's horse-racing lingo for hind legs. Popular with the punters and could go all the way round, as long as it doesn't get stuck in the paddock while taking a dump. 4-1

The Grand Old Duke of York

A Royal-owned stallion that cost £7 million in 'maintenance fees.' It is an amorous horse but is physically incapable of perspiring, even after a four-mile gallop. It has no memory of meeting any of the other runners in the field, despite several grainy photos of it at a stable in New Jersey. 500-1

Stop The Boats

A loud, white horse that makes an incredible amount of noise in the paddock but does nothing once the race starts. It was recently sold to a Russian Investment group and is the only runner in the field that blames the hurdles for 'provoking' its fall. 500-1

Broadcasting Standards

Ridden by Barry Brighton-Collins. Despite its name, Broadcasting Standards has consistently failed to stay professional, having been disqualified from several previous races for 'inappropriate physical contact' in the stalls and a general refusal to remain impartial near the fillies. 25-1

The Minimum Wage

Despite being the smallest pony in the paddock, this is officially the heaviest horse in the race. It carries the weight of the entire UK economy on its back and usually collapses under the pressure at the three-mile mark, just as the owners are announcing a 'record-breaking' success. 300-1

Remember: When the fun stops, stop. Something for us all to think about...

Based on an original idea by sirlupus and with contributions from deskpilot, scottfutile, and sirlupus

Image credit: Wix AI

BBC in diversity row as disabled white dwarf set to play Magic Johnson

The BBC came under criticism earlier today after announcing that a one-legged white dwarf will play American basketball legend Magic Johnson in a new series chronicling his life in sport, to be screened in the summer.

Licence payers are incensed by what they see as a ridiculous attempt at diversity and unbridled political correctness.

A spokesperson for the BBC told reporters: ‘We think it’s important to reflect society in real terms, and that’s what we’ve done here.

‘It’s our view that the white dwarf community and people with disabilities should be represented in contemporary drama, so what better way to achieve this than by killing two birds with one stone and casting a white, unidexter dwarf as an extremely tall black athlete.

'Yes, it will be challenging when filming footage of Magic Johnson in action on the basketball court, but we aim to get round that by having a tallish Chinaman lift him up to pull off the slam dunks.'

In 2023, the BBC was heavily criticised after casting a five-times-married black woman, who was confined to an iron lung, to play the teenage Martina Navratilova in a docudrama about her life in tennis.

Image credit: perchance.org