Bill Shankly wades into the BBC

Equality in football definitely not there yet, says man with moobs

Following extensive studies that have shown that men's football boots do not do women footballers any favours out on the pitch, scientists have said they are close to completing a new contribution to making the beautiful game even more beautiful with the invention of a male sports bra, the Stillator.

Since the popularity of women's football has soared since the Lionesses won the European championships back in the summer, sports scientists have confirmed that women's feet, heels and arches are different to men, much in the same way that according to mysogynist commentator, Werz Metea, a women runs, kicks, tackles, shoots and heads a ball differently to a man. Apparently male footballer's balls are also different but thats a topic for another day.

Middle aged former footballer Gizza Pass was quick to empathise with the plight of women footballers having to use kit designed by men for men. Pass lamented changes with his own physique that had proved difficut to address. "I mean", he said lifted up his top to reveal a magnificent pair of 'moobs', "this sports bra might have catapulted Cloe Kelly onto the front pages on all the national newspapers but to be honest its done nothing for me. The sooner someone designs a proper man bra then perhaps my nipples will stop getting so sore when I run."

Image: Pixabay/tomas_workman

Police give up search for missing golf ball

After five days and with the light fading, Gloucestershire Police conceded that the ball has vanished without a trace. Over one hundred officers were drafted in from neighbouring constabularies. With the help of helicopters and bloodhounds, they covered a twenty-mile radius,

Said the golfer: ‘I’d only hit the ball 500 yards into thick jungle, so I fully expected to find it. After a cursory five-minute search, I notified missing persons and the coast guard – just to be on the safe side.

‘I haven’t ruled out kidnapping by international sex traffickers or it might have fallen down a rabbit hole, you just don’t know. I’ll never give up hope of finding it or of getting a birdy on the 16th.’

The golfer’s next of kin has been notified. Although his wife said, that since he took up golf, he had also been missing for the last ten years.

Image: halodesigner | Pixabay