Tories roll the dice again and legalise Bear Baiting and Cock Fights

Conservatives have once again tried to find a policy that will win back voters confidence by announcing the repeal of the banning of the ancient “entertainment” of Bear Baiting and Cock Fighting.

'Too long have we deprived people of simple British entertainment and stymied the animal fighting industry,' said a party spokesman, 'it’s time we gathered around the television on a Saturday evening and watched a good old fashioned British cock fight.' The massed Tory ranks were vociferous in their vocal, clearly excited support.

Bear-baiting is a sport in which a chained bear and one or more dogs are forced to fight one another. It may also involve pitting the bear against another animal. Cockfighting is a sport involving roosters or cocks, held in a ring called a cockpit where they are encouraged to fight each other, the one remaining being the winner. The variations are endless and Tyson Fury’s representatives have already been contacted to see if he fancies taking on a couple of Bonobos.

;I’m tremendously excited by this announcement,' said one senior minister, 'I have been a cock fight enthusiast for many years and now us closet fans can come out of the shadows and support a regulated, safe (for us) and taxable sport where Britain can be world leaders.'

Photo by mana5280 on Unsplash

Competitor in men’s 100m ‘embarrassed by the attention’

A competitor in the men’s 100m sprint has been branded a disgrace to the sport after admitting they just want to quietly get on with their business with no fuss.

Mike McBride, 22, from the USA, refuses to jump up in the air as he enters athletics arenas, and noticeably refrains from doing that weird thing where athletes point at their eyes and then at the TV cameras as their name is announced to up to 50,000 strong crowds before any major events.

‘Sure, er…I can run 100m in less than 10 seconds, but..I mean… I’m so lucky to have had millions of pounds invested in my training and to have a huge team around me. They are really the guys who are responsible for all my success.,’ admitted a self-effacing McBride whilst embarrassedly fumbling with his hair.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with Mike,’ said fellow 100m team-mate Bruce Stinger, better known as the Baltimore Bullet. ‘I mean, he has no alpha-male nickname, and I’ve never seen him studiously playing with his crotch on the start line. He should be a crown green bowler, not a 100m runner.

‘I even heard that he won a race the other day and didn’t pump his chest, stick his tongue out and manically shout "I’m the f@ckin man!". He’s bringing the sport into disrepute.’

Photo by Serghei Trofimov on Unsplash

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