Man Utd goalie replaced with own waxwork

Light was shed on recent Manchester United results when it was discovered that goalkeeper André Onana had accidentally been replaced with his own waxwork.

The team visited Madam Tussaud’s in order to take a lot of lame, jokey photos of players next to their waxwork figures for the newspapers. Somehow, in the confusion, when they left they took with them Onana’s waxwork rather than the goalie himself.

'It’s easy to be wise after the event,' said manager Ruben Amorim. 'But yeah, when you watch footage of recent games, it’s pretty obvious. Even the real Onana did move occasionally as the ball went past him.'

'I did wonder why we had to carry him on and off the field,' admitted defender Harry Maguire. 'I thought he’d just had a heavy night, or sumfin.'

Asked whether it wasn’t suspicious that the figure just stared gormlessly into space the whole time, Maguire replied, 'Well, I’m old enough to have played with David Beckham, so...'

Meanwhile, the real Onana still in Madam Tussaud's has had to put up with a lot of indignities, especially from Man City fans. This got so bad that one day he snapped and tried to clout one of them round the head. Unfortunately he was so slow to react, the offending fan was already on the tube on his way home.

After that mic to the face moment ...

Man U to Replace Players with Dancing Bears

In keeping with the circus-tent appearance of their proposed new stadium, Manchester United have announced that from 2030 they will field a side comprised entirely of dancing bears - in a roar, roar, two formation.

The announcement comes in the wake of part-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe's scathing denunciation of several current United players. 'Under the infallible leadership of Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United continue to lean into the coalface of innovative disruption, constantly striving to leverage the thoughtways of stakeholder value enhancement under ever changing contextual architectures,' said a club statement. Calls seeking clarification were not returned.

Gemma, a spokesbear for the Union of Performing Animals, approved of the new initiative. 'We look forward to demonstrating our prowess on the pitch,' she said. 'Humans are small and slow,' Gemma added, 'so we'll eat them for breakfast.' Following the interview a publicist contacted several news outlets, requesting that they not run Gemma's 'arguably ill-advised breakfast reference.'

'Bears are exceedingly large and dangerous animals,' noted Alfred Newman, Professor of Exceedingly Large and Dangerous Animals at the University of Leeds. 'One can easily imagine a scenario where Aston Villa, say, have their entire side eaten within the first five minutes of play,' Newman speculated. 'Villa supporters might then reasonably conclude that they have been deprived of a full 90-minute match for which they have paid a not inconsiderable sum.'

United supporters have greeted the club's proposal with mixed reviews. 'It would beat the hell out of watching fucking Casemiro shamble about,' said one man who asked not to be identified. Emily, 32, worried about the animal cruelty aspects of the proposal. 'I wouldn't make my worst enemy work for the Glazers,' she said. Tony, 76, said he would prefer to see humans on the roster, 'but I'd be ok with the bears making a meal out of City.'

Fears of escalation may yet derail the initiative. Inspired by Gunnersaurus, Arsenal are already considering filling their roster with actual tyrannosaurs. 'The science is still a bit tricky, but we're making progress,' said a club official. The official admitted, however, that playing a starting XI of violent reptiles is 'unlikely to improve' the side's checkered disciplinary record.

Image: WixAI