Competitor in men’s 100m ‘embarrassed by the attention’

A competitor in the men’s 100m sprint has been branded a disgrace to the sport after admitting they just want to quietly get on with their business with no fuss.

Mike McBride, 22, from the USA, refuses to jump up in the air as he enters athletics arenas, and noticeably refrains from doing that weird thing where athletes point at their eyes and then at the TV cameras as their name is announced to up to 50,000 strong crowds before any major events.

‘Sure, er…I can run 100m in less than 10 seconds, but..I mean… I’m so lucky to have had millions of pounds invested in my training and to have a huge team around me. They are really the guys who are responsible for all my success.,’ admitted a self-effacing McBride whilst embarrassedly fumbling with his hair.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with Mike,’ said fellow 100m team-mate Bruce Stinger, better known as the Baltimore Bullet. ‘I mean, he has no alpha-male nickname, and I’ve never seen him studiously playing with his crotch on the start line. He should be a crown green bowler, not a 100m runner.

‘I even heard that he won a race the other day and didn’t pump his chest, stick his tongue out and manically shout "I’m the f@ckin man!". He’s bringing the sport into disrepute.’

Photo by Serghei Trofimov on Unsplash

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First published 1 Sep 2023

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Man emotionally attached to golf ball after three holes

A tearful Brian Hepplewhite (41) explained how the bond had formed, 'I'm usually in the bushes on my second stroke and will have lost half a dozen balls by the long third. But this little lady is a keeper, she's stayed with me the whole time and never strayed into the rough. She may be a tad on the round side but I just love her for who she is – someone who will help me get par.

'Her dimples are flawless- symmetrical, requiring no Instagram filters. She accepts my weaknesses as a golfer and lands wherever fate puts her. And she's always ready for adventure, even if it involves being violently whacked with a metal stick.

She’s not jealous of other balls; she’s secure enough to share a bag with 11 identical sisters. She even likes what I like - long walks, a breathe fresh air, and swearing creatively. I'm on hole four and she's already outlasted my first marriage.'

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World Cup: Trump to score winning goal

Contingency plans are in place for Donald Trump to win the World Cup.  If the USA team gets to the finals, then Trump will be substituted into the US team for the last minutes of the game.  The US players are then instructed to make sure that Donald Trump scores the winning goal.  If the match is decided on a penalty shoot out, then the US President will take one of the kicks.

Trump has been taught how to kick the ball in the right direction, and to ensure that the kick is hard enough to get over the goal line.  His trainers told him ‘it’s like golf, but the ball is bigger, and you hit it with your leg’.  His handlers have decided against trying to explain the offside rule, as nothing about the President is ever off.  And rules are, in any case, a flexible concept.  MAGA supporters have secretly donated millions of dollars to pay off the goalie of the other team, to ensure that the President’s shot will hit the back of the net.

The Goal Scorer in Chief as he dubbed himself, is confident he will be the hero of the World Cup.  MAGA members are clearing the way – denying visas to key trainers on opposing teams, making the Iran team do day trips from Mexico, feeding foreign players lots of Bud Lite, that sort of thing.  He is particularly looking forward to awarding himself a winners medal, which will be much bigger and shinier than all the other winners medals.

When asked if he’d prefer to make the winning touchdown at the Superbowl he turned it down. Explaining, ‘The Superbowl is two genuine all-American teams slugging it out in a very American way.  As President, I couldn’t join one American team to play against another.  Not unless one team was from a staunchly Republican state and the opposition were lily-livered Democrats.  I could easier score the winning touchdown, but I wouldn’t want to divide the nation.  Not again.  But I am ready to win the World Cup for the USA.  It will be fair payback for all the effort we’ve put in to shaft the fans on ticket prices, rail fares and bottled water.’