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Furious unions have accused the Health Secretary of making farting noises with his armpits during negotiations, and of wiping bogies on the underside of his desk. Initial reports suggest Mr Barclay entered into negotiations with his arms and fists swinging in a windmill fashion while shouting ‘If you don’t get out of my way, it’s your fault!’


RCN leader Pat Cullen expressed frustration that Mr Barclay would only respond to her questions with the repeated phrase ‘your mum’. He hit back at unions, accusing their mums of being prozzies and their dads of buying their shoes at Poundland.


Talking to Jo Coburn on BBC Politics Live, Mr Barclay demonstrated his negotiating techniques with the help of a small He-Man figurine and a Barbie doll. As the toys violently clashed, he told viewers:


‘Boosh! Take that, union scum. Chiff-chiff-chiff. Doosh-doosh!!! You want a pay rise? Prepare to die. Boom. Aaaaagh. Chiff-chiff-chiff…’


He then simulated sex with the toys until his elderly mother came on set and clipped him around the ear.


Mr Barclay denies fidgeting and not paying attention.



image from pixabay



Laugh yourself healthy.


An absence of funding, preparation, foresight, and Oxford commas has led to a severe shortage of medicine stocks within the NHS. The Health Secretary and grannyslayer Steve Barclay has urged healthcare professionals to bring in Christmas cracker jokes early and use them as cures for everything from herpes to severed spines.


'We don't know how many have died not laughing,' said Dr Sherman Heritage from the Surrey Healthcare and Impalas Trust, 'but we played a Christmas special of Mrs Brown's Boys in the ICU and that opened up 14 much needed beds immediately.'


A government deal with the TV channel Comedy Central has been described as NHS privatisation by stealth. This is, however, not the case at all as the government is far too incompetent and leaky to conduct anything stealthily.


[Hat tip to modelmaker]



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