Trump's latest rambling address to United Nations sparks consternation among world leaders

Just when it was thought Trump's pronouncements could not be come any more bizarre or unhinged, world leaders were left reeling and stupefied during his rambling address to the United Nations.

'I think,' said the ochre would-be emperor, 'these Chargossians should not be allowed to join the Federation. I told Captain Jean-Luc Picard this when he approached me for my views on the matter. A lot of people want to know my views on things. I'm a clever guy. Smart. Real smart. People say that. My views are the smartest. Fact.

'Captain Picard, I said, send those SOBs packing. Tell them to stick to their reality shows. By the way, I had a great reality show myself, the best, until Schwarzenegger destroyed it. So just you tell Kris, Kourtney and Kim, to stick to Botox and Butt Lifts. The kinda of important stuff. Hey, you know, I like the way they have names beginning with K. Three of them together right there in a row. Kinda neat, isn't it?

'I also said all this to the new mayor of Camelot, Arnie Bradham, when we met yesterday. And can you believe he didn't know who I was talking about? Maybe they need that Stormzy guy back in charge over there. I think they might.

'Anyway, that's it folks. Enough wisdom from me for one day. Cos now as the world's most important leader, I gotta go and build a new goldfish pond.' 

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Stormzy reinvents Higher Education

Rapper Stormzy has inspired radical proposals to reinvent higher education.

Advisors at the Department for Education read about Stormzy receiving an honorary degree from Exeter University and about Sheffield Hallam university giving an honorary degree to Geri Halliwell.

The experts noted that neither Stormzy nor Geri had been to university, but that both had subsequently received honorary degrees to recognise their contributions to society. This makes it clear that you don't need to go to lectures - or even uni - to get a prestigious degree.

This suggested a whole new model of higher education in which students by-pass university entirely and go straight into work or do whatever they want to do. Then, after, say, ten years, they would apply to a university for a degree, listing their achievements, explaining what they have learned from life, and providing supporting evidence.

Universities could easily process applications for, say, £500, although Oxford and Cambridge will probably need £2,500. Students would then have their prior learning assessed and a degree awarded, giving them the chance to attend a moderately dull and unnecessarily long graduation ceremony, and to put BA after their name. Or BA Oxon and BA Cantab if you paid the extra.

The scheme would be a massive boost to the UK economy - an extra three years work from every student diverted from uni, most university staff released to do productive work in Poundland and charity shops, and degrees genuinely awarded on merit.

The only downside is that university Vice-Chancellors will find it even harder to justify their massive salaries.

Image: McElspeth - Pixabay

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