Delay In Publishing Gray Report Just A Short Pause, While Hell Freezes Over

There have been calls from the Conservative back benches for an enquiry into why it the Met so long to initiate an investigation into the long delay in anyone calling for a report into the reasons why Her Majesty's Opposition have been so slow in demanding a Civil-Service-led enquiry into the hesitation by the police to investigate the long hold-up in the publication of the result of a study by any official of the reasons why any investigation of the appropriateness of appointing Sue Gray as the civil servant to carry out her eponymous report was a legitimate course of action by the prime minister.

There has been no confirmation of reports that attendees of a series of strictly-business-only Downing St. meeting to discuss the progress of investigations into these delays played dance music, wore paper hats and were served alcoholic drinks, things-on-cocktail-sticks, sausage rolls, biscuits and even - wait for it - celebratory cake.

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“We must wait for outcome of the Sue Gray inquiry,” insists aged Boris Johnson to nursing home staff

BLUE SKIES CARE HOME, UXBRIDGE 2052 – Exhorting his bewildered carers that if they would only wait a little longer for the findings of Sue Gray’s inquiry into misbehaviour in the highest levels of government everything would be fine, ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson pled for leniency from the British public yesterday, thirty years after he was forcibly removed from office over revelations of partying in Downing Street during lockdown.

The elderly former leader of the Conservative Party had just finished a meal in the common room, and was being helped into the lounge for an afternoon of quiz shows when he made the outburst, despite the probe by the senior civil servant having led to his political downfall decades before.

“Trust me, plebs, if you give Sue a bit more time, she’ll have the results any day now,” blustered Johnson to the nurse bringing him his daily pills. “Till then, and I’m afraid I’m boring you here, it’s best if we remain patient for her official report.”

Behaving like nothing happened and he wasn’t implicated in an enormous scandal for breaching public health laws which cost him his job and his marriage, the erstwhile-PM implored fellow residents to hang on in there.

“In the meantime I’ll be getting on with the crucial jobs the Great British public really cares about: napping in an armchair, playing bingo, and hoping the Health Secretary doesn’t release Covid-positive residents back into care homes again.”

Staff were reportedly unsure how to break the news to Mr Johnson that the report had emerged years ago, but at press time had decided to humour him by throwing a wine and cheese soiree in the garden and extending an invitation to Dominic Cummings.

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Sue Gray breaks official world record for longest printer jam

The Guinness Book of Records has officially declared Sue Gray as the new world record holder for 'longest printer jam', a title traditionally held by Mitch McConnell of the American Republican party.

Grey's printer has now been jammed for over 72 hours, beating McConnell by 5 hours. Observers are unclear as to the cause of the jam. Some claim that it's a rogue champagne cork, others that the printer is literally choking itself with disbelief. Some even go so far as to assert that the jam is caused by actual jam.

The original jam occurred on page 22,342 of the 22,343 page document, which witnesses claim was "really annoying". When Grey tried to pull the page out it tore in half and then the printer made this weird sound and a red light that no had ever seen before started flashing. The police were called and they did that thing where you kind of roughly shake the drawer part. When that failed, Westminster called in the photocopier manufacturers who are still working on "having a think about it" and maybe "calling China for some kind of special spring"

Sue Gray is using the extra time to review the term 'bunch of fuckwits' with her legal team.

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