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Greased pig outlines his two-pronged wheeze for wriggling free

Loud snorts of conceited laughter were heard through the windows of the cabinet room in Downing Street last night as the Number One greased pig of British politics described how he has managed to squirm out of trouble yet again.

"Everyone thought Bozza was for the jolly old knacker's yard," said the swine, "but just when they thought they had me in their clutches, I've wriggled free and saved my bacon."

To admiring squeals from the rest of his herd, the greased pig continued: "It was really so simple. When we were all caught partying throughout lockdown, with our snouts in the trough, I immediately submitted to an utterly rigorous, no holds barred inquiry by the fearsome Sue Gray.

"Then, just as she was about to publish her report, I phoned up that gullible old sow Cressida Dick at the Met and said: 'please immediately start an utterly rigorous, no holds barred criminal investigation.'

"The result is that the police have put the kibosh on Sue Gray saying anything remotely interesting, for fear that it might compromise a future trial. Then in three months' time, when all the fuss had died down, I'll get Dick to announce that the police have found no grounds to prosecute. And, hey presto! Good old Bozza will have landed on his trotters again, just like he always does.

"Now, who wants to try my patent pig grease? Form an orderly queue and I'll smear it on your bloated hides. You first, Priti. Then you, Nadine."

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